fair and balancing act

it has recently been brought to my attention that this blog is overwhelmingly negative in it's perspective on my life. and I recognize that. yes, it's true that regardless if I'm unemployed or employed, frightened about the future or not paying much attention to it, my demeanor on the web-log remains the same. and looking over the last months of posts (what would december be without reflection?) the allegation is proven true. So to my critics, yes I have a steady job, a decent income, a loving spouse (who is making dinner as I write), and a nice historic apartment and thus I have very little reason to complain. Sure I'm gaining weight and losing my hair and I don't care for my current job, but I probably won't do any worse than this for the rest of my life and I shouldn't waste my youth complaining about wasting my youth. So thank you, critic, and I will remember this while I drink my champagne (not of beers) and play board games with other couples tonight. So as my first full-year of blogging comes to a close, I apologize for the negativity, and hopefully I'll give you something worth reading in 2006 while the rest of you, like myself, read this blog at your desks, looking for something to read and clicking over to your spreadsheets whenever heads bounce above your cubicle wall.

Oh, and I would like to recommend The Squid and The Whale, to those of you looking for a good movie to see. It's currently playing at the UICA.

it's like...

christmas in a submarine

Xmas '05 has come and gone. If I hadn't been told; I wouldn't have known. Good Riddance, I say. Although xmas with xtina and not working at the xian services has been good, I'm not sure where everyone is today and I'd like something to do. No, I'm not complaining about being bored when I have one day off of work. My itenerary today:

8.58 - wake up
9.00 - "rosanne"
9.30 - "rosanne"
10.00 - shower
10.30 - "mad about you"
11.00 - pace nervously and try to get self motivated to do something, watch "price is right" instead. get frustrated at recent computer problem.
12.00 - lunch
12.30 - get groceries, run into nick and brooke
13.15 - bring x-tina lunch
14.00 - wash car
14.30 - call everyone I know (I'm even willing to go to Holland, folks!)
15.30 - play around on computer, write this blog post

I don't think I'm actually bored, I simply don't think I've been alone in a while. I like it, and I miss it when I can't have it, but I would like to do something I don't do every week.

On the "plus" side, I once again have something to look forward to: I have recently acquired Silver Jews tickets. I loves me those jews. Just three months until the concert. Until then, let's consider my escape plan from GRusalem.

101 ways to enjoy god

After what I considered a much-awaited weekend I find myself not rested, but awaiting the next long weekend; promising myself, as I have time and time again, that I will make something of the time I have. My Christmas weekend shouldn't be too busy and perhaps I will rest, but how do I view/define rest? And what is doing "something?" I suppose I should discover what "something" is.

I'm feeling more alienated at the office with each passing 8 hour unit. The chaplin sent an email on how he would not be politcally correct but instead wish twice as many individuals a "merry christmas." Today I received a book "101 ways to enjoy god." How does one "enjoy "god?"" The book is filled with suggestions from listening to music to lighting a candle to raising your hands." Aren't they suggestions on enjoying one's self in relaxation? it's all in your head.

Yesterday was family christmas. We sat around the table of compromised vegetarian food and engaged in the time-honored tradition of bitter resentment and half-handed comments to undermine each others confidence and remind us why we don't do this more often. We keep our mouths shut and anger subdued when gifts are exchanged.

With each passing week I become inches more removed from what I love - as well as my ambition and promise of contentment. I see myself and those around me all waiting for our next respective moves. I remember in speaking to a man in his forties who was in the same situation. And my thoughts turn to him again as another one of my college friends moves away. Somehow I know I'll be the last one in town.

every 15 minutes...

...an era ends.

I went out to m'gans with metal, peter, and nick last night. Now I'm sitting around doing nothing, half-heartedly cleaning, opening and closing the refridgerator repeatedly searching for something to eat. Last night was a night of optimism: peter the poet, nick the filmmaker, myself the... oh what was that again?

As I get older I find it more and more difficult to "get into the christmas spirit," if such a thing exists. Despite hours looking at the snow, plugging in my single strand of christmas lights that wraps around over half of my living room, listening to Vince Gauraldi, I can't help but feel that it's just like the day prior. Normally I wouldn't want to delude myself with any sort of artificial emotion but, as you know if you're a long-time reader, I'm trying to find a way to separate weekday from weekday, week from week.

I have a dozen items on hold for me at the library. I haven't picked anything up yet because I have enough to do. The librarian is wondering why I'm always at the library but won't pick up my stuff.

The word of the year is podcast.

Clickety-clack

I haven't spoken to anyone since I've gotten back. I would like to congradulate Peter on getting published so now normal people in normal bookstores can purchase his works and read them while visiting normal coffeeshops. I, for one, will be the first to download the podcast edition of his works. Someday I will tell people that, yes, in fact, I frequented the now-infamous Berghoeffer. They'll speak about it in the same tone as they speak about frequenting Rick James' hollywood apartment. I would also like to congradulate Will on posting a picture of himself so we can all see his sexy face.

My trip to Portland was fantastic. Despite most things being closed and the ensuing boredom that accompanies the holiday weekend, it was great to be in a new place with no context. On thanksgiving day I walked from my e.burnside hotel through downtown and up the hill to the rosegarden. I encountered a brass indian overlooking the bustling, cosmopolitan downtown area. I stood next to him, looking out over the developed skyline nested in mountains and thought "you and me both." I thought it was the most appropriate thanksgiving moment I've ever had.

As a whole, I had pleasant feelings regarding the northwest. It's scenic, sprawl is under-control, and people live a more conscious lifestyle. I have yet to register the people and how I feel about the possibility of relocating. I have the feeling just from scanning the crowd that I don't know how easy it would be to be me. It seems i have some competition. In the 'rusalem I'm a highly-demanded commodity. There, it seems, there are thousands just like me but without the crippling insecurity, receding hairline, the tendancy to speak loudly and do nothing, or any combination of traits I could do without.

I'm looking forward to spending time with the people I know and love. Our days are always fleeting, sometimes they just become more appearant than others.

first snowfall

I did all of my work at the library today. I took the 4 to ryerson. It was liberating and yet irritating to be without a car. No one-hour maximum for me; no sir-ee. The first wind and snow always seem colder than I recall. I'm resisting the urge to become nostalgic about any sort of "holiday season." I'm not giving in on November 16. No plans yet for this weekend. I'm up to any number of opportunities.

Looking at nameless faces from a previous life;
I would forfeit it all for another excuse.

yesterday's parties

I had a decent birthday weekend. xtina and I went to San Chez and after a short delay, Caimbridge house. Saturday night was erin's party in Holland. Sunday was the waste-away. Wake up, decide today that I'll go, marvel at the seniors on Fountain Street; all the while trying to keep my mind off the workweek. Yes, it has happened to me. I guess I didn't think fast enough. A notice to my friends: I wanna roll some of 'dem cubes up in hurrr. For now, I'm down to the waiting game. Okay, everyone with me now:

monday
tuesday
wednesday
thursday
friday

I should have thought of this harder and been more innovative in my decision making.

person, place, or thing

everthing seemed to stoop lower today. Half-masted flags in a half-masted sky. Despite the hourly dusk, I sat in my box under the nervous flourescent lights. "What's so wrong about Christianity?" she said. The conversation came to it's predetermined close. "I guess I just don't see it that way." On the other side of town, to which I escaped computer fault in my favor, kids didn't wear suits and reasonable hairstyles to reveal how put-togather everthing about their personhood would reveal. No, across the tracks they wore haloween costumes; some because of the holiday, others for different reasons. A boy dressed to be homeless sat next to a man who really was. Who was more scared? And who was just pretending? I tried to work, but my spine nealt as my psyche played the stooping role of the day. Tomorrow is another day. Whatever my eyes can see is a person, place, or thing.

diagnosis: veal

My trip to chicago was excellent. xtina, becky and i ate at a fantastic argentinian restaurant. I had what I thought was an eggplant dish. Truly a unique, excuisite culinary experience until I was forced to experience it again in a dark Walgreens parking lot near the concert in a particularly bad neighborhood. I felt excellent after the fact, explaining that perhaps I should simply become bulemic, judging by my immediate turn-around in demeanor. That way, I could eat whatever I want. Dramatic eating disorders could be the answer to all my problems. Perhaps the bar was lesbian, maybe not. All in all, it was a great trip and it was good to see becky again. It's good to get out of grusalem.

I'm currently reading Freakonomics. Have any of you read it yet; it's definitely worth a look.

don't believe us? ask the dishes

Just one more work day until I go to Chicago. I have Martha Wainwright tickets but I think I'll buy My Morning Jacket tickets as well. I don't see how I couldn't stay overnight Fri. night; Martha doesn't get on stage till about 11pm cst. That would make for a really late night and there wouldn't be enough cheap cups of coffee at all the denny's in the world to keep my lifeless body driving. I loves me some good MMJ. Andrew, I'm sorry you're feeling so sick. Perhaps you should take some echinesea. Peter, I hope you'll come to town tomorrow.

tuesdays are terrific!

Another morning of waking up, watching two episodes of rosanne while eating cinnamon life, showering during the nanny, and coming back to the television for my daily dose of mad about you prior to leaving for work. I'm serious, this is the way I spend my mornings, the only time I have off during my day. At work I browsed places I've been and things I've seen. I bought tickets for a martha wainwright show next friday in chicago. I'm planning on seeing becky then. god I have to get out of this town.

This past weekend I went to dickson's going away party. Saturday I got my balls officially busted by a characteristically surly nick at mulligans. I'm not sure how he wants me to act in that situation but it clearly doesn't bother me like he thinks it does. He'll dig up references amidst lively conversation completely non-sequitor which makes him appear twice as desparate to be the center of things. But there I am, forced into schoolyard behavior in a bar when I clearly have other things on my mind. Perhaps that is what irritates me the most. Oh well, a couple more days before I can do something besides work and sleep. But until then, I'm working hard for the money.

friday after thursday

tonight Becky is in town, much to my surprise. I felt greasy all day today due to a late-night trip with peter to the grand coney. Let's face it: I'm not as young as I used to be. That or I'm not used to eating slimy eggs and potatoes at 2am.

I feel like I need to get out of this town for a while. Perhaps I'll take a trip soon. I'm discovering very quickly that I don't like the idea of working full-time for the rest of my life. It's not how man is supposed to live; sitting in a cubicle is completely unnatural. Oh well, six weeks down, fifty years to go. That's not so long, is it? When this is done I can go on all the brenner tours I want. Perhaps I'll make my triumphant return to the city of light. Here is a photo of said locale I took from the top of the arc de triumphe.

marginally better

I slept for eleven hours last night. I woke at eleven this morning with the aids parade marching in the sunshine outside my window. x-tina burned a pan after making me eggs this morning, we didn't notice until the apartment filled with smoke. She was upset at her mistake. I was at a loss for words because of how tired I was and besides, what could I say to make things better. I'm sure I came off as an asshole like I usually do. I cleaned the apartment while she was gone. I feel better today than yesterday, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll probably continue trying to figure out if I like "curb your enthusiasm" or not. Perhaps I don't. Now I'm outside enjoying one of the last days of good weather.

one day and the next

Last night I went over to the gay-rage, played some darts, Left around 11 and played some dice, hoping to earn some new shoes for the youngins' so the mrs. won't throw me out again. But damn the luck, at the crack of 1 I was three beers fuller and two dollars poorer. Another good night was had in the ghetto:

throw dice (five players)
drink beer (busch and bud)
awkward homo-eroticism (thanks zach)

yup, just some good ole' boys.

After standing outside sans pants I went home with my ears burning. Laying in bed; can't sleep, can't stay awake, I woke up feeling awful. I've been sick all day and now I'm locked in my bedroom (with the heater), listening to faithless street.

the end

welcome to the highest number

I ended up having a great weekend. Friday zach, andrew, dykert, and I played some dice. I felt pretty bad the next day.

9/23 dice game earnings: $12

The next day peter came out and Nick came by to our post-bar dice game and "started makin' trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight..." Nick was later informed by Brooke regarding what happened the night before and I think she painted an unrealistically grim picture for him. Nick called this morning and apologized but the truth is that I haven't laughed so hard in months. I needed that.

9/24 dice game earnings: $5

now after two long nights in a row as well as the summer turning to fall, I feel as though it's my time this year to get sick. I should take it easy this week, but we'll see how it goes.

have you heard the news? adam and eve were jews

a typical sunday of skipping church, doing laundry and getting out of the in-laws' place with just enough time to...wait until good TV comes on at night. I've been getting new music at an alarming rate to try to fill my life with something new... something that will bring wednesday from tuesday. I shouldn't complain about my job, it could be much worse. I'm working on not being jealous of the present/near-future success of some of my former schoolmates. Let's face it: they had grandiose dreams long before I did and I've made plenty of decisions to hinder my success, regardless of what I knew at the time. Time to run and hide. Time to stay and say "oh yeah, I'm doing ______ for _________ organization. I'm hoping to do __________ at a later, undetermined date."

Maybe I'll just go inside and _______ myself.

paradise by the TV light

Xtina is in class tonight until 9. She'll be tired when she gets home so I made sure I did all the dishes like a good boy should. Last night everyone went out to founders because Melissa's job search is finally over. Also, I'd like to congradulate Nick on completion of his 'not as long but just about as traumatic' job search as well.

My eyes have been fixed on this computer screen in the dark so long when I look up I see nothing but darkness.

An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I got back to work from my lunchbreak the other day and after telling the receptionist that I'll have an appointment at 1, "call my extension" I went down to my office (in the basement, a windowless room) and found myself looking at something on my computer, shuffling papers and making a phone call. I saw my hands doing this work. They didn't look like my hands, though. These hands came out of a dress shirt. There was a wedding band on the left ring finger and an adult-looking watch on the left wrist. The bottom-line is that that was not me. This was more than just a "college must be over" moment; I realized what I naturally became. And my heart sank.

I've been told similar stories by others relating the moment they realized they weren't in college anymore, but I didn't expect that to happen to me. I went to college to escape a desk job, not to get one. I suppose there's no better reason to get into grad-school than that. Now what am I good at? Back to the beginning.

I layed awake last night dwelling on people from my past. Not college people from my past considering the circumstances, but people from farther back. I wondered how I acted towards them and how outcomes would have been different if I, my current self, could go back and re-live them. I know there is no way of knowing and thus no reason to dwell on it, but i've never been able to let go. I was just surprised at the fact that I have'nt considered these people for years and suddenly I couldn't get my mind from them. I also wondered how my high-school sexual encounters must have been, I mean how they would look to me now.

In my next issue: why I believe I'm becoming a dirty old man.

on the last day of your life, don't forget to die

another lazy sunday. I hear Zach is in town; I hope he calls. I woke up and watched the pbs fund drive, watching old footage of jim morrison and janis joplin until x-tina came back from church. I wonder if she visualizes me just as I am as she sits in the pews. I can only imagine. I also wonder how often she has to fend for me in church politics. "i'm sorry, I just can't," I'll say when I inevitably must say it (or maybe that's what she'll say and I won't have to say it at all). I did dishes and gathered the laundry so it didn't look like watched tv in my underwear all morning. I'm trying not to think of going back to work. I have a meeting as soon as I saunter in that I know will change how I work and probably not for the better.

i smell burritos cooking in the kitchen.

Last night we saw "mysterious skin." It was good, possibly the most disturbing movie I've seen. It appears as though every indie film I see nowadays has to do with pedophelia for one reason or another (and "no" I'm not naturally going to films because they deal with such issues). Art is constantly searching for the next taboo. Pedophelia is the first taboo of the 21st century.

An update on my lame subconscious:
The other night I was at a fabric convention and they were giving out samples. x-tina told me to get light green. When they gave me dark green I was furious and through a series of crafty manuvers I was able to obtain the light green cloth.

My initial reactions to Sufjan Stevens' "Illinois"
a) it sounds similar to "Michigan" in a slightly different way, perhaps in the same way that Illinois is subtly different from Michigan.

b) If i didn't like sufjan stevens i could write it off as hokey that he sings about a state and it's history.

c) like "michigan," I like it but I will have reservations about becoming too attached to it that I can't exactly explain.

a mild numbing sensation of the frontal cortex

another day of work. it seems that every day around 3 I start to become horribly indifferent to my workload. With no due-dates or guidelines, the nature of my employment manifests itself in my struggle for motivation.

I talked to Zach today. I feel bed for him. I'd love to be there when he arrives in the G-rap and his mom asks where he'd like his stuff dropped off. Where is elmer these days? I try to go out at night to provide myself with a mental separation of "tuesday" and "wednesday." I'm afraid that without that distinct dividing point my life will become one day to the next until I find myself forcibly looking forward to things I really have no reason to look forward to. Anticipation, not alcohol or religion is the opiate of the working class.

perhaps peter will come to town tonight. I'm not sure what we'd do, but whatever it is, it's not falling asleep and waking up to go to work. My long weekend is upon me. This i will anticipate. and promptly complain when it, like most things that are so highly anticipated, does not live up to such demanding notions.

metallic hebrews

this is my first post from my apartment.

I got the new "silver jews" album, I've been listening to it today. It's pretty good, definitely a new direction. Nick, where are you? you should have been at the bar last night.

Becky, have fun, we will all miss you dearly and pour a little OE out of our 40's when we think of you.

subconscious lameness

Lately I've been having really lame dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was terribly excited to get the prize out of a cereal box. I knew exactly what it was: a dried blue sponge on a string that I promptly put around my neck and wore around. There will be more updates as I reveal to my closest of friends that I am, in fact, lame to the core. Freud believed that our dreams were the manifestation of our wild, unharnessed subconscious and that dreams therefore reveal more about who we are than we could ever express in our waking hours.

Ladies and Gentlemen; I am truly lame.

By the way, the person who recorded Cyndi Lauper's "time after time" in a voicemail on my phone followed by hanging up, please identify yourself.

last hoo-rah

I start work monday so I'd better do something cool this weekend. Peter, I'm looking in your direction to complete the task. we must stay the course. I finished painting this morning and the rain came down and hasn't stopped laughing yet. I'm hoping to get my library situation settled and perhaps all this passive-aggressiveness can go away. I have very little to say today... I'll post later.

each morning is the morning after

x-tina and I went out on the town last night. damn you long island night at mulligans. got loaded and saw her cousins favorite band. I didn't realize how loaded I was until we got home.

I am at the beginning of a long and painful process.

I woke up with a hangover. I ate a pancake. I watched two episodes of "rosanne" delaying taking a shower and starting the day. Laying on the couch just seemed, well, easier. I answered my phone mechanically, unable to actually make a move from my own will. He died this morning, months earlier than expected. I haven't spoke to anyone. And now I'm sorry. god I'm selfish.

new, two guys on a canoe

yesterday peter, becky and I took a trip to saugatuck. Our trip took place in this order:

-the sand bar
-the beach
-the skiles

we sat on the private beach, killing a six-pack, discussing what a three-some should be.

leaving the city for a day was much needed. thank you to all involved in making this happen.

tonight? no plans yet...
nick, have a good trip crossing the mighty freshwater ocean; look out for pirates...

update

update: nothing.

still price is right, still mulligans, still gay-rage

sometimes it seems...

poverty is nipping at my heels.

looking for my next move
like window shopping

six and one half...
dozen the other

good news is hard to find

it appears as though everyone's life is fucked up at the moment. I finally got the job shop printed off. perhaps i can find some decent-paying mcJobs.

come on down

i haven't missed an episode of "the price is right" in over a week.

i tried to get a phone line in my apartment yesterday. part of me wanted to do it so i could prove myself useful; i don't have a phone.

mulligans last night, taco bell, strange days

I need to keep looking for work. obviously I can't sit unemployed for the rest of my life. i just don't know what i want. sooner or later this will reach crisis level and i'll end up somewhere.

minute by minute for now.
oh well

wednesday, 1:21 pm, kava house, eastown

last night I threw some darts in the gay-rage with reuben and pals. I threw better than i have in months. pat and I won four games in a row, much to reubens discontent. the age gap between individuals in the garage was made appearant once again. Pat asked, "where were you in 1981?". It seems as though when i was not even a thought, a year and a half before i was to enter this world, pat had just gotten out of the military and was working the door at the intersection. good grief.

I'm currently reading the new novel by douglas coupland, Eleanor Rigby. It's strange reading a coupland novel that isn't social commentary but, in fact, just a novel. It's fairly compelling though.

I'm wasting time at kava house to escape the heat. It's only natural, then, that in my journey to my local fueling station i end up waiting for over a half hour in the heat for the bus, sweat pouring down my back. Counting change and allocating two thirds to coffee and one third to bus fair, I feel more like n. reynolds daily. How much can I do with very, very little?

Before sitting down to write i thought I had something worthwhile to write about. I was wrong. Dear readers, I'm sorry once again.

killing the day

wasting the days away
pseudo looking for work

"short on long-term goals
there's a party there that
we ought to go to"

friday, the 24th

24 numbers counting downward.

this morning she broke down. I said it's okay
and i'm okay
i felt like...
...missed chances
flying upward over my existance

hot today
hotter outside

find a job...find a job...

keeping myself occupied so as not to think of the situation.

delay the frustration.

pennies slip through the cracks.

live one minute/task at a time, must fix crack in windshield.

what to say

it's been awhile...

for those of you in the loop i had a fabulous time at the reception as well as on my trip. it's been good to see brother zach back in g.r.usalem.

now i must find work. aside from the fact that taking care of all the things to be taken care of is full time in and of itself. i'll get over it, and hopefully i can find me some direction.

pope in a box

pope in a box... pope in a box... everybody waits to see the pope in a box.


Ive been wandering around rome and the vatican for a couple days now. looking for a pope jpII shot glass. yesterday i saw the colisseum, but the bear vs. lion contest is next week. its always next week.

if youre reading this on sunday, ill be home tomorrow.
if youre reading this on monday, ill be home today.
if youre reading this on tuesday, walk down wealthy street and step inside a small establishment known as mulligans pub. "there you will find him. now i have told you"

go in peace

barthelona

well, ive been in barcelona for a couple days and this is one of my favorite cities ( or should i say thities) thus far. weve seen the famous cathedral by gaudi, saw a dali exhibit, and went to a topless beach (the answer is yes). tomorrow ill see the picasso museum before we leave for rome. i enjoy reading your blogs from this far away and trying to guess what is going on. appearantly it´s hot outside and nick has accumulated a large debt and is still in gr. when i arrive in rome the first thing i will do is hold my head out of the balcony and in n. reynolds fashion yell, Ayy, fughet about it!

i´m just bustin´ ya bouls.

a small update

weve had a great trip thus far. Weve seen all the sites and museums. now were in madrid. today it got up to about 105 degrees and the city is bustling and crowded (except during siesta). on a positive note, shakira played a free concert here today in support of madrid 2012 olympic bid. on a more positive note, i missed it. now that iḿ a married man, i have to refrain from viewing such hip shaking. iḿ not feeling well today, i think i got food poisoning from all the calimari (fried squid) tapas i ate last night. i say night because lunch occurs between 2-3 pm and dinner occurs at 9-11pm. its so busy here though and all the restaurants want reservations but we have no telephone. tonight we were so sick of strange food and the hassle of reservations and hot, crowded cafes in the heat that we went to the local planet hollywood-esque restaurant in search of something familiar. im feeling a little better tonight but never again will i eat so much calimari. tomorrow we leave for barcelona, on the earliest train we could find just to escape this city. ill write more updates later. i hope everyone is well, i miss you all and peter, i hope you win wilco tickets.

alstublift

my first post fromthe fatherland. tonight i shall go to another bar, goto bed early and leave for utrecht for the day. last night showed a brisk walk through beatiful red light amsterdam and tonight a posting from the bulldog leidseplein-a coffeeshop. churches by day, bars by night. this afternoon-stedelijk. yestarday-van gogh and rijks. Monday I leavefor brugges.

tot ziens

the preparations never end

today I picked up my commencement tickets as well as my cap and gown. already, calvin inquiring of my future plans in order to hit me up for money at a later date. I'm busy moving and if peter is a good pal he will volunteer the use of his truck so this can go much smoother. Tonight is dart/pool night. It will be good to get away from my incessant planning.

last day of classes

I'm running out of food at an alarming rate. This morning I had vanilla silk over my staple cinnammon life cereal. Silk is actually pretty good over a sweetened cereal. I just bought wilco/my morning jacket tickets for june. I got them in the first two minutes of the internet presale and I'm seated half-way back in the pavilion. I'm suspicious. Today is my last day of classes. I'm actually trying not to linger on that too much, despite listening to Carole King's "tapestry" right now. I'm such a pussy; or little bitch, whichever you prefer. It's pouring rain. I believe spring arts fest is today, but certainly not outside today if at all. Tonight after work I will celebrate another semester of classes at the bar. Then, I'm off to the books.

the daylight, it's much too bright!

today I hand in almost 30 pages of written text. My days of being confined to my attic-style bedroom are over for a while. Last night I got done with my paper an hour and a half early and I took a slight journey to mulligans with peter and nick. A good time was had by all. Tonight I think I'm going to the opening of tulip time. It will be so wholesome I'm not sure I can take it. Perhaps I should counter-balance the event with less life-affirming activities. hmmm.

canadian propaganda

Canadian television has programmed me to think the way I do. It is all making sense now. and I thought nickelodeon was a large scale creative operation, appearantly they just bought the rights to many canadian childrens shows. are the missing pieces returning to your fully-conscious state?

the end of days

With each passing second I'm getting closer to the end of my semester. thus, I have little time to do anything but the papers I'm working on. Hopefully I can spend some time helping xtina move into the new apartment. I'm getting burned out on all the presidential rhetoric because, quite frankly, I don't know what to do. I wish I had time to devise a plan. like a snail I've got to formulate a plot.

emails, mice

so i'm getting a barrage of emails all pertaining to my commencement. The problem is that I wasn't able to check my email this weekend and it's full of discussion I've missed out on all wanting to know where I've been and what I plan to do. I don't know what to do and I'm so busy with end-of-semester schoolwork to do. also, the mice are back.

death count: 5

dead mice, bush

In a surprising turn of events, the mouse genocide has come to a cease at a death count of three. I thought there were perhaps dozens of mice judging by the sheer volume of rodent feces in our cupboards and the fact that everthing in the cupboard not enclosed in a metal or plastic container has been consumed. So, rather than dozens of mice, it appears that we simply had three extremely aggressively persistant mice. We'll see if any more corps' turn up.

In a related matter, it was released yestarday that president bush will be giving the address at my forthcoming commencement. My reaction when I was told: a disbelieving and disgusted "jesus christ." I'm now walking around campus with my head down in my usual defeated fashion that hasn't been "sported" since november. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this, I'm sure I wont do anything but I'm open to suggestions. This is such a kick in the face to the diverse opinions of those at my college. The last thing I want my degree to be related to is the christian right. Calvin can do much better than to be associated with the countless of conservative "colleges" across the country that don't really teach but rather dogmatically indoctrinate. I think calvin deserves much more credit than that. "Happy Gradgiation"

But on a positive note, I countered the groin-kickingly painful news by buying tickets to my annual rufus wainwright show. This particular one co-headlined with ben folds. Jessie, I'm sure you're as excited as I am, this roadtrip is going to kick ass. www.ravinia.org

snap! add to the death count

It appears as though blogger is messed up again so I hope this works. Last night I went to m'gans with nick and jon. I had a good time but it's those decisions I make on a whim that end up carrying the most weight on my lethargic psyche the following day. I don't have much to say; I'm ending the semester so I finally have my planner updated so I know what I have to do by when. We have finally decided to do something about our mouse problem. I have to admit that it really hasn't bothered me as much as I thought it would. I guess what does bother me is the dead mice laying around, neck snapped in one swoop of a cheaply-made wood and metal trap. and how immediately after a mouse is found dead the trap is set again with the same food for one of it's relatives to meet their respective fate. Then again, if you substitute beer for a smidgin of peanut butter, I would sadly probably do the same thing.

dead mouse count: 3

today

today i woke up curiously tired. I got enough sleep; I'm blaming the moosehead. I'm not sure what my weekend has in store for me. I wish x-tina wasn't so busy. The mice in our house are no longer afraid of me. I can sit and read a book and they'll go about their business just as if I wasn't there. I'm going to start charging them rent. Nick said he'll buy mousetraps. Last night I went to the garage. Threw some good darts. Now that my week of unending tests is up, I'm debating whether I should work on papers that are due in three weeks or allow myself to relax. I'll most likely choose the the latter.

adult toy blinking bright, rain or snow in sight

The other day I was watching tv as I frequently do and I noticed a curiously odd mascot for one of our local tv stations. His name is "blinkie, the weatherball mascot" and I'm not sure what he looks like to the marketing department of this local station, but I do know what he looks like to me. Tell me what you think. Mandy, how could you let this happen?

forgetting and not forgetting

It's been a while since I posted here. I see you've continued to read it nonetheless. Today I'm searching for enjoyment, a brief diversion from all the things on which I should keep my mind. Career, Apartment, School, Marriage. Monday I decided to drop everything I had and drive to holland. I met Peter at his parent's house and finally saw the infamous "parent's basement." We went to downtown holland and discussed a brilliant city plan to make the sun shine on both sides of eighth street - the summer equivalent to heated sidewalks. We ran into fatty who was working the beat on the street. I wish I had that job, there are very few jobs that appeal to me. We went to the kurrach and I remembered why I don't pass the afternoon at a bar. I promptly drove to work and although it felt good to get out of the city for the day it didn't take long for me to understand it didn't solve my problems. Only I can do that.

friday

It's April already. Last night Peter came by and suggested a short expedition to Mulligans. Three pitchers and two hours later I left and went to bed. I honestly didn't intend to spend so much time at the bar this week. things happened, mistakes were made. Oh well, I feel fine today, dispite the lack of sleep and I'm looking forward to what should be a good Sufjan Stevens concert tonight. Also on the agenda for the evening: secular christmas on hall street. "Secular Christmas?" you say? Yes, secular christmas, a party consisting of my favorite jew wearing his trademark santa suit for his birthday.

thursday

so that bollywood movie was fairly entertaining. I realized there is very little difference between hollywood and bollywood (besides the "b") in the story, editing, mise en scene, etc... So it was entertaining just like any big-budget hollywood movie is. A hollywood movie twice as long with some song-and-dance numbers.

today it's cold and rainy. I knew 70 degrees couldn't last long. I'm deciding whether or not to go to the sufjan stevens concert tomorrow night. I'm waiting for xtina to call me and let me know if she wants to go.

irony

today is the warmest day of the year thus far. What is, you may ask, am I doing to celebrate? Today I have class until 1:30 where I will be in the bytwerk theater watching a 4 hour long Bollywood film. Now don't get me wrong, I love watching four hour foreign musicals in subtitles. Luckily, my ipod is ready and willing to give me some sort of relief from the song and dance. Wait, I'll feel guilty about that and end up falling asleep. After the movie I go to work until 10. I'm going to want a beer bad. Good news on my little habit: I no longer feel a strong need to drink at night and I don't need alcohol to sleep: Hazaah!

spring is sprung

The sun is shining, it's mid 40's today. Interesting how warm I think mid 40's feels after winter in comparison with the fall. Yesterday I had easter dinner at my parents house and it went surprisingly well. Following I did some laundry and came back to GR. Xtina and I went for a walk around downtown and heritage hill. South division to commerce to monroe center (saw the new museum site progress) to the calder up lyon past the GRAM up to my secret place (crescent park overlooking the GR skyline) and through part of heritage hill. It's strange how I can feel some affinity towards a city I've bitched about for so long. Don't get me wrong, I'm still acheing to get out of here but I've realized that I can live here for a while and not feel too bad about it.

I'm about to go over to the job fair...
his palms are sweaty, arms, legs are heavy(?), oops there's mom's spaghetti
you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

my advice to you, sir...

is to do what your parents did and Get A Job!

It's true, the revolution is over, the bums lost. I'm sitting in the ITC in dress pants/shirt. After typing this I plan to do some more work updating my resume. There's a job fair on campus today but I found out just a few minutes ago that it's for summer jobs. Oh well, a start is a start. Perhaps they have something for slackers like me looking for a real job. While me dressing up is, in a way, trying to mask exactly how inexperienced and unprofessional I really am, I can't hide it. A half hour ago I discovered that my socks are, in fact, brown and not black, something I denied getting ready this morning. Damn you Y chromasome.

I feel pretty good today. I was quite anxious yesterday (just ask nick). I feel better and actually mildly qualified to survive in "the real world." I'm sure this will pass, maybe it's the sunshine today.

back to my future

Yesterday I bought a couple magazines because I was feeling creatively drained. I haven't seen anything "new" for a while. It's interesting how I justify outright impulse buys. I strain my neo-consumer cortex delaying gratification through impulse buys to the extent that I've been known to go "impulse shopping," a horrifying display of want/need role confusion. I hadn't done it for a while and I couldn't resist conor oberst on the cover of paste.

Now that things are back to normal for me, concerning my future plans, I find myself approached with a new level of reaction. Appearantly, after you break off a wedding for a week and go back to it your feeling are discredited. For those of you who may be feeling this way I'd like you to know that this is just the type of person I am. I needed to leave in order to practically assess who I am/what my life looks like if I don't get married. I realized how grim that picture looks. I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd live at my folks house, rehashing that misery, stuck trying to find a job but never really commiting to finding one or taking a big leap due to my crippling insecurity that only she can convince me is false. Besides, as I objectively thought about ending the relationship I realized that I simply couldn't do it. As different as we are, I genuinely love her as sappy as it is to say in blog-format. I've learned to appreciate our differences because, simply put, I wouldn't date myself. Dating a girl just like myself would be a terrifying, unfulfilling experience. I want everyone to know that I'm going to be okay. I appreciate all your concern and care.

thanks,
management

sounds like someones got a case of the mondays

It's the monday following spring break. I feel much better today, physically speaking. I'm sorry I came down so hard on you about that "party" thursday night. Now that break is over I'm in the stretch and I must now figure out, if not marriage, what it is I'm going to do with my life. This should be easy. Any suggestions? Please place them in the appropriate bin on your way out.

so sick

My suspicion of immenent illness has progressed into full sickness. I'm really sick though. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time. My body has been shutting itself down little by little every day this week and each night I chose to ignore it and go to the bar anyway (I thought I had a great excuse...). I thought I'd take it easy last night and go to bed early because I was taking hints from how I felt during the course of yesterday. I played pool with peter, reuben and joel at chris' house. When we left I was ready for bed but peter got terribly drunk at chris', cracking another beer five minutes prior to departure. On the way home he called all the friends available in gr and invited them to my house. I pretended that I was only nominally upset with this but I was really pissed. Luckily, the dozens of people he invited to my apartment (which I cleaned that afternoon) didn't end up coming. While there were only twelve people there, tops, that's quite a few people for my apartment especially when everyone is smoking, drinking, and generally being loud and drunk. It appeared that as soon as we got there, peter was out. I really didn't want anything to do with this party directly under my bedroom but I didn't want to put a damper on everyone's st.patricks day by attempting to go to bed considering my personal circumstances. I sat around, feeling myself getting sicker, having forced conversations with my drunken friends. My st. patty's consisted of three busch's and a lot of moping. After everyone left, I started to pick up the cans (stale beer/cigarrette butts is the worst smell I can imagine in the morning) until it was brought to my attention that I am, in fact, a little bitch.

While it wasn't that late when the guests left, when I tried to sleep I simply layed in bed, eyes wide open, unable to believe who i am/ what i've done/ where i'm going/ what i'm doing/ etc... Turn to the right: radiator, dali calendar cut-outs, turn to the left: 3:13. turn right, turn left 4:06. turn right, turn left 4:12. Lay straight ahead and realize tonight is not my night for sleeping regardless of how physically exhausted I am.

At six a.m. i gave up on trying to get any sleep. I felt so sick I couldn't imagine staying in bed and yet I couldn't imagine getting up. Knowing I wouldn't sleep any more I decided to get up. I made it three feet to my cheap futon. nothing on tv. 6:15, get in the shower. I'm sure the water touched my skin, if I wasn't wet I wouldn't have guessed. I made a standard kevdek breakfast of coffee, oj, cinammon life, and a bonus treat for feeling shitty: a banana. On the table was one of the largest/cheapest pizzas I'd ever seen. The acid buildup from this breakfast continues to pain me as I write. As I got dressed I saw a coupon on my coffee table: early bird special, $7 off any oil change 7am-10pm. I took it as a sign.

After watching an advertisement for estate planning thinly veiled as an important topic on the "today" show, I was finally able to leave my apartment. As I discovered the door to be unlocked peter's phone was ringing. The trees are beautiful this morning. Dusted with a blanket of snow from the night prior as if all our snow fell straight from the sky in one simple drop: even disbursements on all branches and cars: still too early for it to be disturbed. I thought of all the collective stories and all the unordinary happenings that occurred last night. somewhere in my hometown, someone's life was changed last night while I looked at the clock: 4:48. I rolled into the oil change place where they were surprised to see someone of my age come in so early; I was the only customer there. They told me I need the heavy duty oil which costs more based on the fact that I told them I drove in the city and on the highway. He showed me a chart that simply had an suv and a car on the y-axis and normal and severe driving on the x-axis. Phil said "see the chart shows that you drive normally and drive an suv, so it looks like you need the duralife" I thought: what is this chart?, what does it prove?, this chart is supposed to help me?, you create a chart to illustrate what you say and it proves nothing. From now on I'm drawing charts to "prove" whatever I want out of others. It's 8am, I feel like shit, and their looking at me for wiping my nose with a half-used toilet paper roll I grabbed on my way out. Phil obviously didntwant to coerce me into something I don't want as much as I do. The entire exchange was half-assed. corporate protocol transferred through an uncaring pee-on rejected by me, equally uncaring.

I'm hre alone in the itc. It's been open for an hour but I think I'm the first one here. I wonder when nick and peter are getting up and if peter missed his ride to south bend. I'm tempted to get in my car and drive north. Ending up on the shores of the hudson bay in an area I've only seen on a map. Too bad I'd regret it almost as soon as I got there. My self is what keeps me complacent. Oh god, resolve my problems. I've spoken about them with a few people now. And while it gets easier to talk about, the decision is still looming. there is no answer. the question has been reduced to mediocrity. I either accept one for positives and negatives or I accept a foreign one for a few positives and negatives, if the latter exists - if my perception of positive positive and negative negative. Quantify your inner-most thoughts and feelings, take the logical route, and wonder why you feel robotic.

trauma du jour

Dear readers,
It has come to my realization that this is my final spring break. More than this, it is my last break in a formal sense. For once one is in the working world, their is no rest for their wearisome bones. Now you may ask, "oi Kevdek, what are you doing to make the most of your time this week?" I'm sitting around the apartment, going to bed at four and waking at noon. I'm sure I'm ill but I cant' resist the bar - a drive to be around others and their problems to keep my mind off mine. I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you who know me well, I appreciate your deep concern and empathy towards me at this time. Although I act as though I'm trying to keep my mind off the problem at hand, I cincerely need you to ask how I'm doing to counteract this tendancy. And while I may appear disgusted at relaying the story to more people multiple times, it genuinely helps me keep my mind on the matter. I must make a decision and trying to forget about my problems is no way to facilitate conscious, objective decision making. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know where I'll be, who I'll be, or what I'll be doing in just two short months. Please give me an option. I don't want the realization that I've just ruined everything as I very well may have. Either I've ruined everything, or I've allowed for everything. need to make up my mind

thanks,
Kevdek

zach, I would like you to elaborate on the title of your blog.

thanks,
Kevdek

spring break

I have but two classes before my spring break can commence. Nick will be leaving probably before I get home and Jon will be leaving shortly thereafter. I think I'll get a few good movies to watch and I'll probably track down a copy of "the office season 2" from an area library. For the past few breaks I've tried to read a book over break but every time I sat down to read it I thought of all the reading-related schoolwork that I might as well be doing if I'm going to read a novel. Tonight I might be in the garage throwing some darts with peter and possibly x-tina. Last night we had the classic conversation "things you would change about youself/the other given financial resources arent an issue." That is always a difficult conversation with any woman. Tip-toeing around minor flaws (or major ones depending on who you're talking about). It's almost as dangerous as "do I look fat in this?" Luckily, I'm with someone who would never ask me that and whose level headed enough to be able to accept criticim. The problem with a level-headed logical girl is that you always have to justify your actions. I do have to say that the pros outweigh the cons when it comes to that disposition. I'm not sure when I'll be writing again next week but I'll try to keep up the blog. God forbid my readers should find something more fulfilling to do with their time.

when your vehicle is unmanned, I'll stand on the hood and bust out the most kick ass guitar solo with the rest of the cool people left behind

Last Sunday Dateline did a special on televangelist Benny Hinn. I can't explain the rise I got out of a broadcast network news station roasting a fundamentalist christian hack, following up on "miracle healings" he's performed and analyzing the money train he rides on. There was still a part of me that felt bad for people who live vicariously through bullshit like that. But, they must discover the harsh reality, in fact, their cancer is not cured. but then again, I'm sure if you pray about it the cells will dissipate. "surely you will not die"

This morning on "the today show" they interviewed some clowns from the traveling circus performing in the square. When the interview was over, Katie made a typical segway to the weatherman by saying "and now to our resident clown (ha) in washington..." to which one witty clown interrupted her babble and blurted out "The President!" loud enough for everyone to hear it. There was an awkward half-silence, half-cheer from the lunatics with the home-made signs standing in the freezing-ass cold at 8am. I don't normally laugh that early in the morning, but I have to say that it was a great start to the day.

A couple weeks ago, The Daily Show did a rather humerous quip on "rapture insurance" where one pays premiums until the rapture (good thinking insurance industry) to insure that their sinful relatives left behind can live off thier wealth. I for one will come out and say that when you're gone, I'll just go ahead and take that shit. There is also an e-mail service that notifies your sinful friends when the rapture occurs where it is that you've gone. Of all the theological rubbish that's been cooked up in the last century or two, none are as unfounded as the rapture. Basically, the rapture idea was created so the evangelicals don't have to feel bad about all the terror and destruction they cause on earth because that's not what matters if their being air-lifted from the rubble on a holy safety harness. this ideology is harmful for everyone involved.

The moral of the story: the media is liberal and evangelicals are losers.

hazy friday

last night peter came into town and accompany nick and I at mulligans. I decided that because it isn't every day that peter will come back to m'gans that I should celebrate in the most grotesquely indulgent manner possible. Rather, I hit the bottle hard. After about five hours of sleep I got up with the taste of stale beer still lingering in my mouth. Although I wouldn't classify myself as "hung over," I'm experiencing tunnel vision, haziness, and a general propensity toward passing out. You may consider these symptoms of what the lay person calls a hang over, but I can assure you, I will never attribute that status towards myself. Yesterday I said Friday night would go out for drinks, right nowI'm not sure I would want to. Of course, I'm sure in a half hour I'll be up for it.

Host du bie mir an avleh! Yiddish: "So I made a mistake. So what!"
(A) Klog iz mir! - Woe is me!
K'nish (taboo) - Vagina
Oi, Vai! - Dear me! Expression of dismay or hurt

From now on I'm only communicating through simple yiddish phrases.
to see more yiddish phrases, go to http://www.ariga.com/yiddish.shtml

my answer to essay question #1: "Taiwan"

My performance on this mornings economics exam was less than extraordinary. My final answer wasn't "Taiwan," but it was painfully obvious I didn't know anything about that particular country economically. Today is my long day at school for the week: 9am - 5pm. If only my working life after college had a two 1/2 hour lull like I experience currently. I call it my "siesta." Now that my week of tests is over, I want to go out and celebrate. I know of a one Mr. Reynolds who is known to be willing to accompany me. Peter's gone, I hope he's doing okay. Perhaps he'll make an effort to come into town this weekend. that would be nice. However, I'm sure he also wants to get situated in his new surroundings. I'm ready for a break. I hope Peter is still serious about making a short road trip. I've gotta get out of this city for a while. After school I go directly to work, god I hope it's not a monotonous as it was monday.

all-encompassing fear

Well, peter is most likely officially out of the 'hoeffer. I would have liked to have been around last night but I was making a fanal attempt at studying for my ill-prepared film exam this afternoon. Saturday night was great. Peter and I, after picking up residue-covered knick knacks from shelves and door frames that haven't been touched in years, we threw some darts in the garage. Fatty and Krista were there. Peter has already commented on out ennamoration (sp) with Krista. Indeed, rarely does one find someone who is hot/cool at the same time (hot and cool, both relating to temperatures and differing arbitrary temperment/traits, strange). I recall an hour and a half before we closed down founders that I didn't want to close down founders. Then, I proceeded directly to my freezer for 2:30am microwavable greasy hash browns. oh well.
Yesterday I registered for my forthcomming wedding at bed, bath, and beyond. seems like a very american thing to do: pick out the plethora of meaningless stuff for people to furnish me with at my reception. It's strange, proposing is something you do in a haze. Planning a honeymoon is another round of vacation planning. Planning a reception is organizing a big party. But registering for gifts lets you know you're actually getting married. I'll be honest, it hadn't occured to me before to the extent that it does now and I'm afraid. I'm very, very afraid. I know that everything is going to be fine, it's finalizing a major life plan that worries me, like choosing a college but twice as frightening. Now that it is certain that I'm getting married to her, I proceed as I do and I've been thinking of every reason why I shouldn't get married, just to consider every aspect. This is what has really be frightening me. Then I try to ignore those ideas because I know I'm just conjurying up arbitrary traits for the sake of it. I know I'm overreacting. I'm so scared.

iron, wine entering my sphere

I found out yesterday that Iron and Wine is coming to Calvin's chapel. This will mark my first visit to chapel. A time not to praise the Jesus, but a time for me to mope about the finite state of my own existence. I'll take it over "shout to the lord" any day. Last night I went to mulligans (big surprise) counting down the last days of my proximity to peter. I vaguely remember writing my wedding vows on a bar napkin. Perhaps I'm over-reacting. I'm anticipating mulligans to be a well-taken transitional object to me in my forthcoming marriage. Because, after my friends have all skipped town to live in their respective parents basements and I'm living with a woman, I can still connect to mulligans.
I'm trying to do an economic development assignment. the same assignment I tried to do yesterday when my head was achey and spinning from over-caffination. perhaps today will bring something new.

enough already

Okay, three posts in an hour. The worst thing is I have nothing to say and am obviously lacking in creative ways to say it today. I have a link I think you should all see: www.liveplasma.com appearantly, they want me to listen to the new pornographers.

a momentous week

This week eldon leaves his occupancy of the Berghoeffer. And while I know he doesn't want me to linger on this becuase his departure is inevitable, I think it's only appropriate that I mention how much I've enjoyed being next to the 'hoffer if only for the last few months. Eldon, I wish you the best and I hope you will continue to waste your time/money at seedy locales such as mulligans.

a note from the Michigan Kevdek

In response to Mr. Campbell's comment on meeting the Spanish me, I began to wonder exactly how much we may resemble those in different cultures. What if there actually are Kevdek's throught the world marked by two or three specific character traits. Am I that definable that one could compare me to someone of an entirely different culture. Does this take any notion of individuality away from us. Face it, of the six billion people on the planet you will only meet a fraction of them. I'd like to know exactly which character traits zach has set aside as defining kevdek. Perhaps I don't. If Zach had those around him of different cultures but a similar demeanor, they would all be little bitches. Peter's would speak klingon. Above is a map of kevdek representatives throughout the world. To enter you must have the neuroticism of C-3po. Whatever the fuck that means.

driving and sleep

last night driving back to grand rapids the roads were terrible. Large, wet flakes made it impossible for me to enjoy my drive home. one of those nights where you can't have the radio very loud because all your attention is focused on not becoming one of the cars in the median. Last night, despite me going to bed on time and drinking a beer, I couldn't sleep. Perhaps I'm not quite as dependant on beer to sleep as I once thought. I now find myself lying awake at night worrying about the future. This in a time where I've thought I've made much progress in not being overconcerned with everything. I have no idea what I'm going to three months from now. I'm scared to death because I can't just keep doing what I'm doing. something has to change. This morning I went to class, stopped payment on a check, and now I'm here.

a more accurate representation

While gazing at my last few post I realized I've painted a fairly bleak picture of my life in the last week or so. In reality, I'm not that upset. I think things are going quite well for me; I still like the apartment, I still have plenty of time to spend doing what I want, and I moderately enjoy what I've been studying. My only qualm is my relentless clinging on to everthing college before my reality changes into god only knows what. I am determined to make the most out of my last three months. This morning I found a bar napkin in my sweater that said "easy jesus, good enough." Thanks peter.

sobriety=bad dreams

Lately I haven't been drinking as much as I had during interim and the first week of the semester. Because of this, and other factors such as my schedule, I haven't been sleeping as well as I had. I usually roll around waiting fall into slumber for about an hour before actually doing so. Also, I've been having very vivid dreams. However, because of my pessimistic nature my dreams are usually frightening and reflect worrysome thoughts I try to suppress while I'm awake. I fell asleep last night worrying about a possible need for a surgery that I've run out of time to have under my parents' health insurance. I dreamt the root of my problem was a cancerous tumor and I had to have surgery immediately. Christina and I weren't able to obtain health insurance because of my cancer (the irony of privatized health care) and we were, in effect, ruined. We lived in squalor and she resented me for the duration of our lives for crushing her aspirations. I also dreamt an alternative outcome where I cancelled the wedding in lieu of having the surgery which also made her quite mad. This morning I was engaging in my normal routine of drinking coffee while watching the today show and called me. She never calls me in the morning. I told her what I had dreamt. we both cried. now I'm at school.

reindeer games

One step further into my patheticism. Saturday night I sawa baby reindeer in a steel cage. Knit by taiwaneese schoolchildren it shipped to the states in time for the annual festive christmas celebration. The day after thanksgiving, doorbuster sales, weeks one, two, three, four, and five in the advent calendar. Twas the night before christmas, no gift card exchanges. no one to save 10% and open an account on today's purchase. February 12, the decorations layed to rest in the crawl space (except for my white trash neighbors), gifts used or returned, post-holiday winter emotional blah blah blah. and he sits, the clearance rack, 10, 25, 50, 75% off couldn't save him. here he sits, february 12, in a cold steel cage, discarded, thrown to the side while today shoppers pick from the latest pastels to brighten their squalid living rooms. fate unknown, purpose unfulfilled

here i am: relating to a discarded object again.

friday morning

i need to learn how to not go to bed at 1am. even mornings where I haven't drank the night before, I'm still groggy and internally fucked. Things to remember:

phonathon starts mon.
go to work and file IT request.
print out paper for world cinema.
stop in my old internship and nervously make false conversation
unload dishes
leave peter a voice mail in which I say simply "little bitch"
eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, be attentive, be polite, don't be what I fear most.
don't collapse, don't wonder why, don't think twice
sort laundry

I have very little to say

went to mulligans last night. I should have had a better time there. I just feel so insatiable. I go to the bar, take my medicine so I can sleep, and go home. it's like going to the pharmacy. sorry I was such a downer last night. I have to do something to pick my life up a little but in ever action I make I'm completely focused on money. Yestarday I didn't have class until 6pm so instead of being productive and getting work done I just sat there and worried about money. don't get me wrong, I'm not starving or anything, I'm just facing a lot of uncertainty with the future and I have one very large expense coming up (that is looking more expensive by the day). While my life is fairly easygoing compared to other individuals I know, my neurotic side keeps me up at night. (I'll call him C-3po)

cult of personality

today I had to complete several personality assessments online for my organizational psychology course. While searching for the appropriate test to take, I stumbled upon this one: www.outofservice.com/starwars. It's just like their normal personality test, but it then tells you which star wars characters you most closely resemble, as well as another individual of your choosing.

appearantly, I have the openness of Yoda, the conscientiousness of grand moff tarkin, the extraversion of Ewoks, the agreeableness of darth vader/anakin skywalker, and the neuroticism of a tusken warrior. The neuroticism of a tusken warrior?! this is fucking bullshit!

I have no idea what this means. I do think it is fatally flawed as a personality test, the funniest part of this is imagining the type of person that would think this is really cool. Peter, I'm looking in your direction.

survey says...

This morning I woke at 7:30am. Normally when I get up for school at this time I'm fairly tired. This morning I'm especially tired because at 11:45 last night Peter came by with two 40's of bud. Although I only drank half of it (I gave some to Nick) my stomach feels like it's being fucked by dozens of ravenous leprochauns. This is especially aggrivated now because I (and the leprochauns) am starving and have too little money to do anything about it.

I'd like to thank all of you who have turned "tuaob" into an open forum discussion in the last couple days. I appreciate your input and words of wisdom. Although regardless of what you say I will continue to look down on and belittle those who hold different opinions than me simply because it is the only way I can possibly feel good about myself.

Read will's blog today (see link, will's blog). I hope he gets a job writing porn. Writing porno movies must be the easiest job ever. One of these days I'm going to watching a porn and something will happen in the plot structure (?) that lets all of the balding aging lonely men, along with myself that it is a product of will. What will that be? I think the only thing more entertaining than a porn written by will is a porn written by nick. The title: gutterpuss strikes dead turists in a convent.

spring convocation

I just got out of spring convocation 2005. those of you who know me must wonder why I would attend such an event. Well, the truth is that I went to it under the false assumption that there would be free lunch served afterward. I guess what they say is true, "there is no such thing as a free lunch." so here I sit, hungry and annoyed. an entirely different calvin college shows up to convocation; they must be the type of people that go to chapel, as I've never been to that either. There is really nothing more irritating to me at this stage of my life than worship sing-alongs. The balding worship leader with abercrombie clothes desparetly clinging to youth in an attempt to connect with college students, signifying the next verse with a shout of "praise to the spirit" during a short vocal pause as if we couldn't read the words ourselves (maybe our eyes are closed and our hands in the air to show those around us how "into the spirit" we are). Homely-looking girls behind me singing every line line in full force to each other, so sheltered in their upbringing that they surely don't realize just how awkward the entire experience appears. Lyrics empty and meaningless, happy suburban evangelicals never thinking of how their christ told them to live and what a damper it would have on their opinions of others not so fortunate think nothing of a drag on their general lifestyle. I know I'm being synical, but I'd like to think that I'm beyond the surface of their antics. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? Has my line of thinking disallowed me from feeling non-apathetically about those that treasure other aspects of life, delusional or non? Perhaps I am just as pathetic as the rest of them.

drive and culpability

Last night sitting with peter and nick, rehashing the classic college dilemma of only one out of the three parties involved having money and the generally understood room-wide need for booze. The elephant in the room is my wallet. Yestarday I said I wasn't going to mulligans last night. I woke up saying the same thing this morning. But today, I promise that I will not go as I have actual plans tonight for the first time all week. Tonight is pool night.
I shouldn't complain much because even though it seems as though life is taking me by the hand into dark, stale, lonely bars I'm still enjoying myself in the bliss that accompanies a lack of responsibility and I've gotten the chance to speak earnestly with peter and nick again.
at least the bar takes me away from the tv and brings me into a realm of actualities. A realm where focus isn't paid to glowing, humming boxes but faces. Loud and oddly serious conversations, not only from drowning out deth metal, but the result of a conversation's natural tendency to increase in volume as each party yearns for someone to listen, facilitated in bounds by slow, delicate inebriation.

losing sleep slowly

Interim is over. I completed my final exam today, correcting questions as I went along. Last night was strangely memorable. I egged don on to smash a glass votive against the wall and when he did the glass shattered causing him to bleed profusely, running to the bathroom as management questioned us as to how the votive could have been smashed accidentaly. I guess after I left Nick cut himself on some glass shards on the bench. Allegedly he was quite upset with don. As you can imagine I was fairly intoxicated at the time.
I woke up this morning at 3:30, convinced it was 9:30, fretting that I'd have to take the exam half-drunk. We did have an interesting conversation on how the world will end (flies in a jar vs. nuclear holocost) and the role israel plays in world politics. Peter: "There's a little Israel inside all of us."
Yestarday I saw pictures taken of my freshman year. Falling leaves and smiling faces entirely naive of whats to come. Nostalgic times of friends I should have kept, but time leaked out ever so slowly until the day you find that friendship empty. Some day I will publish posts entitled regret, apologies, and a final one called thank-you's. I couldn't begin to lump them all into one coherent thought. I have the feeling that in six months I'll wake up in my bed and you will seem to be dream. God save me from that day.

talking lions

interim is coming to a close, which is most likely a positive change for my psyche. For instance, today nick and I watched a two hour long movie following the lives of pride of lions. It wasn't cgi, but their mouths moved to the eloquent speech of kate winslet. I did dishes three times; I'm starting to feel as though my life is becoming useless. I need to get back to learning soon. I need to get learned good.

interim life

this is what my life during interim has been reduced to: 9:30am wake up, eat breakfast. 10:30am play badminton. 12pm eat lunch, shower. 12:30-6pm watch TV with Nick and Jon, think about other things that I should probably be doing, possibly dick around online at school. 6-7pm make and eat dinner. 7:30-8pm the most important part of my day in which I test my mundane knowledge compared with nick and jon in our daily jeopardy tournament. 8pm-1:30am watch more TV and page through european tour guides. 1:30am go to bed and await another day of similar goings-on. I should probably spend more time with Peter, my friend and marriage counselor as he is leaving soon and can tell me the secret to a healthy marriage. (compromise: compromising positions in public places) Bless you reverend.

badminton 1

today was my first day of badminton 1. because we are graded on improvement, I have taken it upon myself to perform as poorly this week as I possibly can. my performance today was not unlike a sports blooper reel, knees crashing to the hardwood floor as I whiff the shuttlecock. i have also determined that I will count the times this class allows me to say "shuttlecock," giggling like schoolgirl each and every time it is uttered. Dr. Kim says that those who play tennis may have a hard time adapting to badminton because unlike tennis, badminton is a "limp-wristed sport." Limp-wristed indeed.

in limbo

January 3: I'm caught in that time between the holidays and interim. I need something to happen soon. Here's an update on my life. TV sucks. and I should know this because I've spent more time watching TV in the last two days than I would like to see in a month. Although I'm not terribly excited by taking three straight weeks of badminton seeing as how I'm in the worst shape of my life, I'm ready for people to come back to town and maximize my potential for having fun in this, my last semester of college. I'm writing this from the Grand Rapids Main library while strange people seem to circle around me like ravenous sharks awaiting the prey of an open computer.