Monday, February 28, 2005

all-encompassing fear

Well, peter is most likely officially out of the 'hoeffer. I would have liked to have been around last night but I was making a fanal attempt at studying for my ill-prepared film exam this afternoon. Saturday night was great. Peter and I, after picking up residue-covered knick knacks from shelves and door frames that haven't been touched in years, we threw some darts in the garage. Fatty and Krista were there. Peter has already commented on out ennamoration (sp) with Krista. Indeed, rarely does one find someone who is hot/cool at the same time (hot and cool, both relating to temperatures and differing arbitrary temperment/traits, strange). I recall an hour and a half before we closed down founders that I didn't want to close down founders. Then, I proceeded directly to my freezer for 2:30am microwavable greasy hash browns. oh well.
Yesterday I registered for my forthcomming wedding at bed, bath, and beyond. seems like a very american thing to do: pick out the plethora of meaningless stuff for people to furnish me with at my reception. It's strange, proposing is something you do in a haze. Planning a honeymoon is another round of vacation planning. Planning a reception is organizing a big party. But registering for gifts lets you know you're actually getting married. I'll be honest, it hadn't occured to me before to the extent that it does now and I'm afraid. I'm very, very afraid. I know that everything is going to be fine, it's finalizing a major life plan that worries me, like choosing a college but twice as frightening. Now that it is certain that I'm getting married to her, I proceed as I do and I've been thinking of every reason why I shouldn't get married, just to consider every aspect. This is what has really be frightening me. Then I try to ignore those ideas because I know I'm just conjurying up arbitrary traits for the sake of it. I know I'm overreacting. I'm so scared.

Friday, February 25, 2005

iron, wine entering my sphere


I found out yesterday that Iron and Wine is coming to Calvin's chapel. This will mark my first visit to chapel. A time not to praise the Jesus, but a time for me to mope about the finite state of my own existence. I'll take it over "shout to the lord" any day. Last night I went to mulligans (big surprise) counting down the last days of my proximity to peter. I vaguely remember writing my wedding vows on a bar napkin. Perhaps I'm over-reacting. I'm anticipating mulligans to be a well-taken transitional object to me in my forthcoming marriage. Because, after my friends have all skipped town to live in their respective parents basements and I'm living with a woman, I can still connect to mulligans.
I'm trying to do an economic development assignment. the same assignment I tried to do yesterday when my head was achey and spinning from over-caffination. perhaps today will bring something new.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

enough already

Okay, three posts in an hour. The worst thing is I have nothing to say and am obviously lacking in creative ways to say it today. I have a link I think you should all see: www.liveplasma.com appearantly, they want me to listen to the new pornographers.

a momentous week

This week eldon leaves his occupancy of the Berghoeffer. And while I know he doesn't want me to linger on this becuase his departure is inevitable, I think it's only appropriate that I mention how much I've enjoyed being next to the 'hoffer if only for the last few months. Eldon, I wish you the best and I hope you will continue to waste your time/money at seedy locales such as mulligans.

a note from the Michigan Kevdek


In response to Mr. Campbell's comment on meeting the Spanish me, I began to wonder exactly how much we may resemble those in different cultures. What if there actually are Kevdek's throught the world marked by two or three specific character traits. Am I that definable that one could compare me to someone of an entirely different culture. Does this take any notion of individuality away from us. Face it, of the six billion people on the planet you will only meet a fraction of them. I'd like to know exactly which character traits zach has set aside as defining kevdek. Perhaps I don't. If Zach had those around him of different cultures but a similar demeanor, they would all be little bitches. Peter's would speak klingon. Above is a map of kevdek representatives throughout the world. To enter you must have the neuroticism of C-3po. Whatever the fuck that means.

Monday, February 21, 2005

driving and sleep

last night driving back to grand rapids the roads were terrible. Large, wet flakes made it impossible for me to enjoy my drive home. one of those nights where you can't have the radio very loud because all your attention is focused on not becoming one of the cars in the median. Last night, despite me going to bed on time and drinking a beer, I couldn't sleep. Perhaps I'm not quite as dependant on beer to sleep as I once thought. I now find myself lying awake at night worrying about the future. This in a time where I've thought I've made much progress in not being overconcerned with everything. I have no idea what I'm going to three months from now. I'm scared to death because I can't just keep doing what I'm doing. something has to change. This morning I went to class, stopped payment on a check, and now I'm here.

Friday, February 18, 2005

a more accurate representation

While gazing at my last few post I realized I've painted a fairly bleak picture of my life in the last week or so. In reality, I'm not that upset. I think things are going quite well for me; I still like the apartment, I still have plenty of time to spend doing what I want, and I moderately enjoy what I've been studying. My only qualm is my relentless clinging on to everthing college before my reality changes into god only knows what. I am determined to make the most out of my last three months. This morning I found a bar napkin in my sweater that said "easy jesus, good enough." Thanks peter.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

sobriety=bad dreams

Lately I haven't been drinking as much as I had during interim and the first week of the semester. Because of this, and other factors such as my schedule, I haven't been sleeping as well as I had. I usually roll around waiting fall into slumber for about an hour before actually doing so. Also, I've been having very vivid dreams. However, because of my pessimistic nature my dreams are usually frightening and reflect worrysome thoughts I try to suppress while I'm awake. I fell asleep last night worrying about a possible need for a surgery that I've run out of time to have under my parents' health insurance. I dreamt the root of my problem was a cancerous tumor and I had to have surgery immediately. Christina and I weren't able to obtain health insurance because of my cancer (the irony of privatized health care) and we were, in effect, ruined. We lived in squalor and she resented me for the duration of our lives for crushing her aspirations. I also dreamt an alternative outcome where I cancelled the wedding in lieu of having the surgery which also made her quite mad. This morning I was engaging in my normal routine of drinking coffee while watching the today show and called me. She never calls me in the morning. I told her what I had dreamt. we both cried. now I'm at school.

Monday, February 14, 2005

reindeer games



One step further into my patheticism. Saturday night I sawa baby reindeer in a steel cage. Knit by taiwaneese schoolchildren it shipped to the states in time for the annual festive christmas celebration. The day after thanksgiving, doorbuster sales, weeks one, two, three, four, and five in the advent calendar. Twas the night before christmas, no gift card exchanges. no one to save 10% and open an account on today's purchase. February 12, the decorations layed to rest in the crawl space (except for my white trash neighbors), gifts used or returned, post-holiday winter emotional blah blah blah. and he sits, the clearance rack, 10, 25, 50, 75% off couldn't save him. here he sits, february 12, in a cold steel cage, discarded, thrown to the side while today shoppers pick from the latest pastels to brighten their squalid living rooms. fate unknown, purpose unfulfilled

here i am: relating to a discarded object again.

Friday, February 11, 2005

friday morning

i need to learn how to not go to bed at 1am. even mornings where I haven't drank the night before, I'm still groggy and internally fucked. Things to remember:

phonathon starts mon.
go to work and file IT request.
print out paper for world cinema.
stop in my old internship and nervously make false conversation
unload dishes
leave peter a voice mail in which I say simply "little bitch"
eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, be attentive, be polite, don't be what I fear most.
don't collapse, don't wonder why, don't think twice
sort laundry

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I have very little to say

went to mulligans last night. I should have had a better time there. I just feel so insatiable. I go to the bar, take my medicine so I can sleep, and go home. it's like going to the pharmacy. sorry I was such a downer last night. I have to do something to pick my life up a little but in ever action I make I'm completely focused on money. Yestarday I didn't have class until 6pm so instead of being productive and getting work done I just sat there and worried about money. don't get me wrong, I'm not starving or anything, I'm just facing a lot of uncertainty with the future and I have one very large expense coming up (that is looking more expensive by the day). While my life is fairly easygoing compared to other individuals I know, my neurotic side keeps me up at night. (I'll call him C-3po)

Monday, February 07, 2005

cult of personality

today I had to complete several personality assessments online for my organizational psychology course. While searching for the appropriate test to take, I stumbled upon this one: www.outofservice.com/starwars. It's just like their normal personality test, but it then tells you which star wars characters you most closely resemble, as well as another individual of your choosing.

appearantly, I have the openness of Yoda, the conscientiousness of grand moff tarkin, the extraversion of Ewoks, the agreeableness of darth vader/anakin skywalker, and the neuroticism of a tusken warrior. The neuroticism of a tusken warrior?! this is fucking bullshit!

I have no idea what this means. I do think it is fatally flawed as a personality test, the funniest part of this is imagining the type of person that would think this is really cool. Peter, I'm looking in your direction.

Friday, February 04, 2005

survey says...

This morning I woke at 7:30am. Normally when I get up for school at this time I'm fairly tired. This morning I'm especially tired because at 11:45 last night Peter came by with two 40's of bud. Although I only drank half of it (I gave some to Nick) my stomach feels like it's being fucked by dozens of ravenous leprochauns. This is especially aggrivated now because I (and the leprochauns) am starving and have too little money to do anything about it.

I'd like to thank all of you who have turned "tuaob" into an open forum discussion in the last couple days. I appreciate your input and words of wisdom. Although regardless of what you say I will continue to look down on and belittle those who hold different opinions than me simply because it is the only way I can possibly feel good about myself.

Read will's blog today (see link, will's blog). I hope he gets a job writing porn. Writing porno movies must be the easiest job ever. One of these days I'm going to watching a porn and something will happen in the plot structure (?) that lets all of the balding aging lonely men, along with myself that it is a product of will. What will that be? I think the only thing more entertaining than a porn written by will is a porn written by nick. The title: gutterpuss strikes dead turists in a convent.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

spring convocation

I just got out of spring convocation 2005. those of you who know me must wonder why I would attend such an event. Well, the truth is that I went to it under the false assumption that there would be free lunch served afterward. I guess what they say is true, "there is no such thing as a free lunch." so here I sit, hungry and annoyed. an entirely different calvin college shows up to convocation; they must be the type of people that go to chapel, as I've never been to that either. There is really nothing more irritating to me at this stage of my life than worship sing-alongs. The balding worship leader with abercrombie clothes desparetly clinging to youth in an attempt to connect with college students, signifying the next verse with a shout of "praise to the spirit" during a short vocal pause as if we couldn't read the words ourselves (maybe our eyes are closed and our hands in the air to show those around us how "into the spirit" we are). Homely-looking girls behind me singing every line line in full force to each other, so sheltered in their upbringing that they surely don't realize just how awkward the entire experience appears. Lyrics empty and meaningless, happy suburban evangelicals never thinking of how their christ told them to live and what a damper it would have on their opinions of others not so fortunate think nothing of a drag on their general lifestyle. I know I'm being synical, but I'd like to think that I'm beyond the surface of their antics. Am I a bad person for feeling this way? Has my line of thinking disallowed me from feeling non-apathetically about those that treasure other aspects of life, delusional or non? Perhaps I am just as pathetic as the rest of them.