Thursday, March 31, 2005

thursday

so that bollywood movie was fairly entertaining. I realized there is very little difference between hollywood and bollywood (besides the "b") in the story, editing, mise en scene, etc... So it was entertaining just like any big-budget hollywood movie is. A hollywood movie twice as long with some song-and-dance numbers.

today it's cold and rainy. I knew 70 degrees couldn't last long. I'm deciding whether or not to go to the sufjan stevens concert tomorrow night. I'm waiting for xtina to call me and let me know if she wants to go.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

irony

today is the warmest day of the year thus far. What is, you may ask, am I doing to celebrate? Today I have class until 1:30 where I will be in the bytwerk theater watching a 4 hour long Bollywood film. Now don't get me wrong, I love watching four hour foreign musicals in subtitles. Luckily, my ipod is ready and willing to give me some sort of relief from the song and dance. Wait, I'll feel guilty about that and end up falling asleep. After the movie I go to work until 10. I'm going to want a beer bad. Good news on my little habit: I no longer feel a strong need to drink at night and I don't need alcohol to sleep: Hazaah!

Monday, March 28, 2005

spring is sprung

The sun is shining, it's mid 40's today. Interesting how warm I think mid 40's feels after winter in comparison with the fall. Yesterday I had easter dinner at my parents house and it went surprisingly well. Following I did some laundry and came back to GR. Xtina and I went for a walk around downtown and heritage hill. South division to commerce to monroe center (saw the new museum site progress) to the calder up lyon past the GRAM up to my secret place (crescent park overlooking the GR skyline) and through part of heritage hill. It's strange how I can feel some affinity towards a city I've bitched about for so long. Don't get me wrong, I'm still acheing to get out of here but I've realized that I can live here for a while and not feel too bad about it.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I'm about to go over to the job fair...
his palms are sweaty, arms, legs are heavy(?), oops there's mom's spaghetti
you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

my advice to you, sir...

is to do what your parents did and Get A Job!

It's true, the revolution is over, the bums lost. I'm sitting in the ITC in dress pants/shirt. After typing this I plan to do some more work updating my resume. There's a job fair on campus today but I found out just a few minutes ago that it's for summer jobs. Oh well, a start is a start. Perhaps they have something for slackers like me looking for a real job. While me dressing up is, in a way, trying to mask exactly how inexperienced and unprofessional I really am, I can't hide it. A half hour ago I discovered that my socks are, in fact, brown and not black, something I denied getting ready this morning. Damn you Y chromasome.

I feel pretty good today. I was quite anxious yesterday (just ask nick). I feel better and actually mildly qualified to survive in "the real world." I'm sure this will pass, maybe it's the sunshine today.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

back to my future

Yesterday I bought a couple magazines because I was feeling creatively drained. I haven't seen anything "new" for a while. It's interesting how I justify outright impulse buys. I strain my neo-consumer cortex delaying gratification through impulse buys to the extent that I've been known to go "impulse shopping," a horrifying display of want/need role confusion. I hadn't done it for a while and I couldn't resist conor oberst on the cover of paste.

Now that things are back to normal for me, concerning my future plans, I find myself approached with a new level of reaction. Appearantly, after you break off a wedding for a week and go back to it your feeling are discredited. For those of you who may be feeling this way I'd like you to know that this is just the type of person I am. I needed to leave in order to practically assess who I am/what my life looks like if I don't get married. I realized how grim that picture looks. I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd live at my folks house, rehashing that misery, stuck trying to find a job but never really commiting to finding one or taking a big leap due to my crippling insecurity that only she can convince me is false. Besides, as I objectively thought about ending the relationship I realized that I simply couldn't do it. As different as we are, I genuinely love her as sappy as it is to say in blog-format. I've learned to appreciate our differences because, simply put, I wouldn't date myself. Dating a girl just like myself would be a terrifying, unfulfilling experience. I want everyone to know that I'm going to be okay. I appreciate all your concern and care.

thanks,
management

Monday, March 21, 2005

sounds like someones got a case of the mondays

It's the monday following spring break. I feel much better today, physically speaking. I'm sorry I came down so hard on you about that "party" thursday night. Now that break is over I'm in the stretch and I must now figure out, if not marriage, what it is I'm going to do with my life. This should be easy. Any suggestions? Please place them in the appropriate bin on your way out.

Friday, March 18, 2005

so sick

My suspicion of immenent illness has progressed into full sickness. I'm really sick though. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time. My body has been shutting itself down little by little every day this week and each night I chose to ignore it and go to the bar anyway (I thought I had a great excuse...). I thought I'd take it easy last night and go to bed early because I was taking hints from how I felt during the course of yesterday. I played pool with peter, reuben and joel at chris' house. When we left I was ready for bed but peter got terribly drunk at chris', cracking another beer five minutes prior to departure. On the way home he called all the friends available in gr and invited them to my house. I pretended that I was only nominally upset with this but I was really pissed. Luckily, the dozens of people he invited to my apartment (which I cleaned that afternoon) didn't end up coming. While there were only twelve people there, tops, that's quite a few people for my apartment especially when everyone is smoking, drinking, and generally being loud and drunk. It appeared that as soon as we got there, peter was out. I really didn't want anything to do with this party directly under my bedroom but I didn't want to put a damper on everyone's st.patricks day by attempting to go to bed considering my personal circumstances. I sat around, feeling myself getting sicker, having forced conversations with my drunken friends. My st. patty's consisted of three busch's and a lot of moping. After everyone left, I started to pick up the cans (stale beer/cigarrette butts is the worst smell I can imagine in the morning) until it was brought to my attention that I am, in fact, a little bitch.

While it wasn't that late when the guests left, when I tried to sleep I simply layed in bed, eyes wide open, unable to believe who i am/ what i've done/ where i'm going/ what i'm doing/ etc... Turn to the right: radiator, dali calendar cut-outs, turn to the left: 3:13. turn right, turn left 4:06. turn right, turn left 4:12. Lay straight ahead and realize tonight is not my night for sleeping regardless of how physically exhausted I am.

At six a.m. i gave up on trying to get any sleep. I felt so sick I couldn't imagine staying in bed and yet I couldn't imagine getting up. Knowing I wouldn't sleep any more I decided to get up. I made it three feet to my cheap futon. nothing on tv. 6:15, get in the shower. I'm sure the water touched my skin, if I wasn't wet I wouldn't have guessed. I made a standard kevdek breakfast of coffee, oj, cinammon life, and a bonus treat for feeling shitty: a banana. On the table was one of the largest/cheapest pizzas I'd ever seen. The acid buildup from this breakfast continues to pain me as I write. As I got dressed I saw a coupon on my coffee table: early bird special, $7 off any oil change 7am-10pm. I took it as a sign.

After watching an advertisement for estate planning thinly veiled as an important topic on the "today" show, I was finally able to leave my apartment. As I discovered the door to be unlocked peter's phone was ringing. The trees are beautiful this morning. Dusted with a blanket of snow from the night prior as if all our snow fell straight from the sky in one simple drop: even disbursements on all branches and cars: still too early for it to be disturbed. I thought of all the collective stories and all the unordinary happenings that occurred last night. somewhere in my hometown, someone's life was changed last night while I looked at the clock: 4:48. I rolled into the oil change place where they were surprised to see someone of my age come in so early; I was the only customer there. They told me I need the heavy duty oil which costs more based on the fact that I told them I drove in the city and on the highway. He showed me a chart that simply had an suv and a car on the y-axis and normal and severe driving on the x-axis. Phil said "see the chart shows that you drive normally and drive an suv, so it looks like you need the duralife" I thought: what is this chart?, what does it prove?, this chart is supposed to help me?, you create a chart to illustrate what you say and it proves nothing. From now on I'm drawing charts to "prove" whatever I want out of others. It's 8am, I feel like shit, and their looking at me for wiping my nose with a half-used toilet paper roll I grabbed on my way out. Phil obviously didntwant to coerce me into something I don't want as much as I do. The entire exchange was half-assed. corporate protocol transferred through an uncaring pee-on rejected by me, equally uncaring.

I'm hre alone in the itc. It's been open for an hour but I think I'm the first one here. I wonder when nick and peter are getting up and if peter missed his ride to south bend. I'm tempted to get in my car and drive north. Ending up on the shores of the hudson bay in an area I've only seen on a map. Too bad I'd regret it almost as soon as I got there. My self is what keeps me complacent. Oh god, resolve my problems. I've spoken about them with a few people now. And while it gets easier to talk about, the decision is still looming. there is no answer. the question has been reduced to mediocrity. I either accept one for positives and negatives or I accept a foreign one for a few positives and negatives, if the latter exists - if my perception of positive positive and negative negative. Quantify your inner-most thoughts and feelings, take the logical route, and wonder why you feel robotic.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

trauma du jour

Dear readers,
It has come to my realization that this is my final spring break. More than this, it is my last break in a formal sense. For once one is in the working world, their is no rest for their wearisome bones. Now you may ask, "oi Kevdek, what are you doing to make the most of your time this week?" I'm sitting around the apartment, going to bed at four and waking at noon. I'm sure I'm ill but I cant' resist the bar - a drive to be around others and their problems to keep my mind off mine. I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you who know me well, I appreciate your deep concern and empathy towards me at this time. Although I act as though I'm trying to keep my mind off the problem at hand, I cincerely need you to ask how I'm doing to counteract this tendancy. And while I may appear disgusted at relaying the story to more people multiple times, it genuinely helps me keep my mind on the matter. I must make a decision and trying to forget about my problems is no way to facilitate conscious, objective decision making. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know where I'll be, who I'll be, or what I'll be doing in just two short months. Please give me an option. I don't want the realization that I've just ruined everything as I very well may have. Either I've ruined everything, or I've allowed for everything. need to make up my mind

thanks,
Kevdek

Friday, March 11, 2005

zach, I would like you to elaborate on the title of your blog.

thanks,
Kevdek

spring break

I have but two classes before my spring break can commence. Nick will be leaving probably before I get home and Jon will be leaving shortly thereafter. I think I'll get a few good movies to watch and I'll probably track down a copy of "the office season 2" from an area library. For the past few breaks I've tried to read a book over break but every time I sat down to read it I thought of all the reading-related schoolwork that I might as well be doing if I'm going to read a novel. Tonight I might be in the garage throwing some darts with peter and possibly x-tina. Last night we had the classic conversation "things you would change about youself/the other given financial resources arent an issue." That is always a difficult conversation with any woman. Tip-toeing around minor flaws (or major ones depending on who you're talking about). It's almost as dangerous as "do I look fat in this?" Luckily, I'm with someone who would never ask me that and whose level headed enough to be able to accept criticim. The problem with a level-headed logical girl is that you always have to justify your actions. I do have to say that the pros outweigh the cons when it comes to that disposition. I'm not sure when I'll be writing again next week but I'll try to keep up the blog. God forbid my readers should find something more fulfilling to do with their time.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

when your vehicle is unmanned, I'll stand on the hood and bust out the most kick ass guitar solo with the rest of the cool people left behind

Last Sunday Dateline did a special on televangelist Benny Hinn. I can't explain the rise I got out of a broadcast network news station roasting a fundamentalist christian hack, following up on "miracle healings" he's performed and analyzing the money train he rides on. There was still a part of me that felt bad for people who live vicariously through bullshit like that. But, they must discover the harsh reality, in fact, their cancer is not cured. but then again, I'm sure if you pray about it the cells will dissipate. "surely you will not die"

This morning on "the today show" they interviewed some clowns from the traveling circus performing in the square. When the interview was over, Katie made a typical segway to the weatherman by saying "and now to our resident clown (ha) in washington..." to which one witty clown interrupted her babble and blurted out "The President!" loud enough for everyone to hear it. There was an awkward half-silence, half-cheer from the lunatics with the home-made signs standing in the freezing-ass cold at 8am. I don't normally laugh that early in the morning, but I have to say that it was a great start to the day.

A couple weeks ago, The Daily Show did a rather humerous quip on "rapture insurance" where one pays premiums until the rapture (good thinking insurance industry) to insure that their sinful relatives left behind can live off thier wealth. I for one will come out and say that when you're gone, I'll just go ahead and take that shit. There is also an e-mail service that notifies your sinful friends when the rapture occurs where it is that you've gone. Of all the theological rubbish that's been cooked up in the last century or two, none are as unfounded as the rapture. Basically, the rapture idea was created so the evangelicals don't have to feel bad about all the terror and destruction they cause on earth because that's not what matters if their being air-lifted from the rubble on a holy safety harness. this ideology is harmful for everyone involved.

The moral of the story: the media is liberal and evangelicals are losers.

Friday, March 04, 2005

hazy friday

last night peter came into town and accompany nick and I at mulligans. I decided that because it isn't every day that peter will come back to m'gans that I should celebrate in the most grotesquely indulgent manner possible. Rather, I hit the bottle hard. After about five hours of sleep I got up with the taste of stale beer still lingering in my mouth. Although I wouldn't classify myself as "hung over," I'm experiencing tunnel vision, haziness, and a general propensity toward passing out. You may consider these symptoms of what the lay person calls a hang over, but I can assure you, I will never attribute that status towards myself. Yesterday I said Friday night would go out for drinks, right nowI'm not sure I would want to. Of course, I'm sure in a half hour I'll be up for it.

Host du bie mir an avleh! Yiddish: "So I made a mistake. So what!"
(A) Klog iz mir! - Woe is me!
K'nish (taboo) - Vagina
Oi, Vai! - Dear me! Expression of dismay or hurt

From now on I'm only communicating through simple yiddish phrases.
to see more yiddish phrases, go to http://www.ariga.com/yiddish.shtml

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

my answer to essay question #1: "Taiwan"

My performance on this mornings economics exam was less than extraordinary. My final answer wasn't "Taiwan," but it was painfully obvious I didn't know anything about that particular country economically. Today is my long day at school for the week: 9am - 5pm. If only my working life after college had a two 1/2 hour lull like I experience currently. I call it my "siesta." Now that my week of tests is over, I want to go out and celebrate. I know of a one Mr. Reynolds who is known to be willing to accompany me. Peter's gone, I hope he's doing okay. Perhaps he'll make an effort to come into town this weekend. that would be nice. However, I'm sure he also wants to get situated in his new surroundings. I'm ready for a break. I hope Peter is still serious about making a short road trip. I've gotta get out of this city for a while. After school I go directly to work, god I hope it's not a monotonous as it was monday.