solitaire factory

Sometimes it seems I work in a solitaire factory. Everyone is busy - clicking mice - a phone ringing in the distance -productivity appears high, but all we do here is solitaire. Sure, 'real' work is being done at certain times of the day - but not all, or most. Because this is my only means of earning a living at the moment, I have to appear to be working all day (despite being given no tasks to complete) and volunteer to stay at the office longer than I'm expected. I'm not sure why they insist on me being here - they know that no work is being done - and because I'm a temp, I'm costing them an outrageous amount of money. Craigslist has almost nothing but scams this week. Idealist and npo are pretty dry as well.

Christmas at home went surprisingly well, albeit a little short-lived. It's over now and couldn't be farther from my mind


Update: Today is the last day of exams for most law students. Everyone is coming into the office WASTED. This is very different from my Calvin experience.

Further Update: I've discoverd something more annoying than being surrounded by drunk people while you're sitting stone sober: being sourrounded by loud, drunk, affluent law students while you're sitting at work counting down the minutes to five o'clock.

chappy chanukkah

Yup, I'm still bored at work. I have one more week in student affairs and then, as it turns out, I'm back to my starting point. That's right; no job for me in the legal clinic. However, yesterday I applied to two more positions here and I received a letter from wbez chicago letting me know I'm still in the running for a position I applied for almost two months ago.

Last night the wife and I had dinner with matt and mandy followed by a classic west michigan treat: eucre.

Tomorrow night xtina's sister is coming in from portland and we'll all go back home for an early christmas.

Lately christina has been making Hanukkah cakes. Because neither of us have a vast knowledge of this holiday, we've been coming up with creative things to put atop the cakes. Some of our favorites include "chappy chanukkah," "wouldn't jew rather celebrate christmas?" a full headshot of Barbara Streisand and, in borat fashion, decorating the cakes with money or a scene from 'the running of the jew.'

Next time you see christina, tell her "chappy chanukkah."

Care to share any other creative ideas?

thursday

This week is absolutely crawling along. Sometimes I wish I could just work forty hours in one sitting so I could get right to the weekend and not deal with getting up and going to work five times a week. I thought it was thursday yesterday until about noon.

Tomorrow I will most likely going to an art reception in the west loop for the 'marushka preservation project' from GR. I think it will be funny to see the art crowd mingling amongst a bunch of marushkas, a decor I more associate with a nick reynolds apartment than an art exhibition. I figure I like g-radders, marushkas, and art receptions, so I'll probably have a good time.

Following the reception, xtina and I are going to a christmas party hosted by friends in rogers park. It's good to go out on the weekends and see my friends.

Xtina got her job promotion; she'll now be making more money, working better hours, and not dealing with customers. We're pretty excited.

winter is here

Today is the first day of winter in the city. Ice-cold wind and inches of sleet. Just two days ago it was almost sixty-five degrees. I waited in the cold and snow/ice mixture for almost a half hour for the bus. By the time I got on I was wet to the skin, shivering, and contemplating going home.

Xtina and I had people over last night. Being a weeknight, we didn't have as many people as we had wanted, but we had fun nonetheless. Also, being a weeknight I (of course) drank too much which sealed my fate for this morning. Now I'm achey, I have a headache, and I want to go home and watch season four of 'mr. show' fresh in from netflix.

Today is 'first friday' at northwestern meaning the campus is full of students because they serve free food and beer. Free beer - on campus. It's a far cry from my experience at calvin.

I've just been given my first task of the day. I should go

I need a good name for our new Rat Terrier

Xtina and I have decided that our lives will be complete if and only if we get our own rat terrier puppy. I want you to take a good look at the picture provided and tell me that you don't want one too. Teddy Roosevelt had one! And many say 'nipper,' the dog on the RCA logo, is a rat terrier. Oh, how I love rat terriers.



Working in student affairs has been fine. I have enough time between clerical projects to perform important endeavors, such as researching rat terriers as well as political parties in dutch parliament, or the "tweede kamer." When I was in holland for the '03 election I loved learning about all the parties and the process. They just had another election last week which resulted in a huge win for the socialist party. Metal and I met a young socialist party member in Middleburg who gave Metal his party membership card because "it's important not to have any identification on you 'in case something happens.'"

Thanksgiving was good, we drove to Madison (which is a longer drive than we thought) to have a vegetarian feast with my sister, brother in law and his parents.

Last night we saw 'the devil and daniel johnston' which was great, the night prior we finally watched 'an inconvenient truth' which was also great, but for different reasons.

I'm back at work, I'm not sure when I'll get my interview, and I've decided not to spend time worrying about it. Instead I'll watch 'a charlie brown christmas' tonight on TV.

Two Years of Excellence, or uh, blogging

While I don't have any time to update today and there isn't much new to say anyway, I'm pointing out that today is the two year anniversary of my blog. While I once saw this as a chore, I now enjoy being able to access a day-to-day account of all my adventures in the past two years. I'll try to update soon.

kevdek

sitting, thinking about driving - I mean really driving

I'm at northwestern and I'm just sitting around. I'm not sure why they want me to be here but both of my colleagues don't have much for me (or themselves) to do. That is, unless spending an hour looking at my horoscope is something to do.

At least I'm 'working;' is what I say.

I decided this past weekend to venture out of my apartment and my myself socially vulnerable again. Friday Xtina and I went to a party with friends (haven't done that in years) and Saturday I went to 'Kenny's Art Gallery Cabaret' with Becky.

Xtina is working more hours this week than either of us ever have and I have Thursday and Friday off. She'll get out of work at 2:30 on Thursday and we'll drive to Madison to have Thanksgiving lentil loaf with my sister. My mother likes to call it 'tofurkey.' She thinks it's the funniest word she's ever heard. I recall having a conversation last weekend regarding wheather Madison is 'the portland of the midwest' or 'the ann arbor west of the lake.'

I'm actually really excited to drive there. It doesn't occur often that I drive somewhere I've never been. I miss driving. In fact, I've been thinking lately about all the great times I've had driving in my past. Somehow with every defining moment in my life since age sixteen I have a very distinct driving association. Vacations, concerts, funerals, etc... I've done a lot of good thinking in my time behind the wheel. Chicago isn't good for driving. You rarely get over 25mph and the whole experience makes me more angry than anything. Frequently I want to drive out of the city until I can look around and see no one, just for the experience of being alone again. It seems everyone here has a love/hate relationship with the city. Everyone has their own "F*** this city" moment.

returning to the grind, another lame dream

Last weekend was wonderful. We came back to grand rapids and stayed with our good friends and gratious hosts, Nick and Brooke, who saw that we had a comfortable stay in their beautiful eastown apartment. We went to mulligans, saw friends, and drank like I haven't since I moved. And while I feel homesick for grand rapids and the quality of life it delivers, I'm determined to make it work here despite our insuing depression.

This past weekend was good too, I reconnected with becky and andrew and learned how to play ping-pong to a respectable degree. Saturday morning I woke up and purchased two tickets to see Ryan Adams at the house of blues. And while it isn't typical of me to spend money I don't exactly have, I rationalized the purchase the night before with the incoherent slurs of 'Ryan Adams is on the top of my list of acts to see that I haven't yet, you know, of the ones I can still see, you know that aren't dead yet.' Regardless, I have my tickets (which sold out the minute after I made the purchase) and can't wait until January 18 to see him. I hate it when tickets go on sale months before the show, or maybe january just seems far away.

I'm not working again today, but my staffing agency says I'm in their 'top 3 employees,' whatever that means, and I'm waiting to hear back on a temp job at northwestern in which they have me applied. I'm tired of not working. I'm making good use of my time, applying to jobs on days I'm not working, but I still haven't received anything in return.

Last night I had another lame dream (I have blogged at length on the prevalence of lame dreams in my psyche). I dreamt I was on a swedish geological expedition and on my way back to north africa everyone on the plane had to be searched by soviet authorities. Nervousness and tension abounds.

I understand this is entirely implausible.
And I don't even like that type of movie.

kevdek

coming back soon

It is official, we will be visiting our native city next weekend, that of Nov. 3, 4, and 5. We'll be staying with our dear friends, nick and brooke, who were kind enough to put us up for a weekend. I'm looking forward to coming back, I've been thinking longingly about places and activities I used to do so regularly and comfortably I now feel I'm missing something in my daily routine:

a) Listening to 'yo la tengo' at kava house while reading - gazing out to lake drive
b) Browsing the ryerson library
c) walking downtown, mentally juxtaposing the past onto the present
d) visiting bars that cater to my interest / demographic
e) not worrying constantly / comfort
f) spending all saturday downloading music and looking out my bedroom window
g) feeling unique / on top of culture
h) seeing all of you

Last night I finally finished reading 'east of eden.' I'm taking some time to think about it before I discuss anywhere. I read it because oprah told me to, which is a lie but I have been watching oprah almost every day. I think promise of television rotting my brain my parents always delivered to me growing up is finally being fulfilled.

Last week I completely missed the boat on wilco tickets. I had balcony tickets available to me during the pre-sale and I stupidly passed them up thinking I could do better during the general sale. They are now sold out.

I'm applying to many, many jobs. I think I'll get a job at northwestern sooner than later - one opened up and they're looking at me to fulfill it. It's a legal assistant position supporting the center on international human rights (I believe that's the name).

keep your fingers crossed

Maybe when I see/experience something new I can blog about something besides my daily activities.

acid rainy days

I'm still trying to arrange a weekend to come back to Grand Rapids to visit my dear friends. As of this time, it appears to be the weekend immediately following halloween - that of November 3,4, and 5 (which just happens to be someone's 24th).

Things here are fine. We're making money and supporting ourselves. I haven't exactly done any of the fun things which that supported my decision to move in the first place. In fact, last Wednesday we were sitting around bored and all the while I had forgotten that jenny lewis was playing at the vic and joseph arthur was playing just down the street from us. I was fairly upset about it the next day.

I'm back at northwestern for my second, 'last day of work.' Tomorrow I will be sending my resume all over town while I sit in the library all afternoon. And while I'm making enough money to support myself, not having a steady, full-time income is getting me down.

Lately we've been very homesick for our native city and for our friends. I watched part of the granholm / devos debate online. His opening statements were such shit. I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it if I had to watch all the negative campaigning on television. I'm glad she's ahead in the polls; I do have to say I'm a bit surprised by the numbers. Tonight at Aquinas there is a supposed debate between David LaGrand and Bill Hardiman (if he should show up). I wish I could see or hear this. If you are in Grand Rapids with nothing to do tonight, you may want to check it out.

Netflix has been treating us well, Monday night we watched 'thumbsucker.' I liked it (despite vince vaughn and keanu reeves) but xtina did not. Next on the queue: 'thank you for smoking' and 'brick,' followed by xtina's first viewing of 'clerks.'

it's raining here again today. the acid rain leaves a residue that simply won't come off the car.

last day of work...

...and I'm blogging. Thank you to those who have commented on my blog recently. Xtina and I are once again at full health and are enjoying our netflix account (after a unanimous decision to upgrade to '3 unlimited'). I'm not sure what I'll be doing next but I'm passing my resume around the legal clinic. This weekend is a long weekend and I've resolved not to think too hard about work.

Tomorrow night Mark Kozelek is playing at the black orchid and I can't find anyone who is available to attend. Xina is working. Tix are $20 and it's at a 'supper club' of sorts, which is why I'm trying to avoid going alone.

Jason, I'm glad Cherry street misses me. I miss Cherry street so much. I hope to see you again soon.

We are tentatively planning on coming back to Grand Rapids for Halloween weekend. That is if Nick's place is available and they wouldn't mind putting us up for a couple nights.

We miss you all and hope to see you soon.

the problem with netflix...

I just signed up for netflix and now I can't seem to remember any of those movies/tv shows I wanted to see so badly. Isn't that how it goes. All I can remember is all the new music I've wanted to hear but don't have the internet access to get ahold of it (because I'm poor and can't go to the record store). Do you have any suggestions? Do you have anything to say at all? It seems I haven't gotten comments in a month.

I'm getting over a bad cold that first infected me last week and now Xtina has some sort of illness that appears to be much much worse than my cold. We'll see what this weekend has in store for us and which one of us can participate.

temporary means temporary

It has been confirmed. My position at the legal clinic has been offered to someone else. I understand that perhaps I've only been performing the most essential duties of the position and they'd prefer someone with legal filing experience, but I've worked hard for the last two weeks and have received nothing but great reviews of what I've done and I guess part of me was counting on winning them over to offering the position to me. Not just because I've done a great job, but because I want it and I must still have the naive belief that hard work is rewarded. I knew the engagement was casual, but I've realized what a wonderful job and staff this is and like I always do, I got my hopes up. Somehow it feels worse that I proved myself to them, like I'm being stricken down as inferior. I know I'm being irrational, but let me whine about this for just a little while before I go back to drifting through temporary employment.

short update

I'm still working at the legal clinic and I'm astonished at how much I still love working here. Xtina started at whole foods and we already took advantage of our 20% discount. We had a wonderful friday with the guys and a magical evening with new friends, mr. Matt Jensen and his wife Mandy. Ahh, the comfort of having couple friends again. Really - we had a great time and we're a bit jeolous of the fact that they can have a dog. Now Xtina and I want one more than ever.

We ran into nick and brooke Saturday on their way home. Nice to see familiar faces, if only for a while.

On my morning commute I heard a long advertisement for michigan tourism. I wish I could remember how it went. "visit cities so sure of themselves, with individual cultures so distinct residents refer to them by nickname - g-rap, ypsi, cereal city, k-zoo, A-squared, the D." That's right, they refered to my hometown as "g-rap" on the radio. Sounds like a nice place; perhaps I'll visit sometime.

back to blogging at work

That's right; I'm working right now. Through my temp agency I've gotten this two-week position with a legal clinic at the Northwestern University school of law. The job is great, the people are fantastic, I only wish I were doing this long-term. Monday morning I was so nervous driving my car into the north loop I thought I would surely chuck. Now, yesterday when I was taking cabs all over downtown to federal court and other places, I finally feel like I live here. At the end of the day I no longer feel worthless, but exhausted and gratified by a hard days work. It's a new feeling for me in all honesty. Hopefully I'll get a permanent position that is this sweet.

on second thought...

Well, the chocolates thing fell through. It appears that they've found plenty of people who would do the job permanently, accept $8 an hour, and work for more than a few weeks. I'm tired of people responding to my complaints about things being pricey in Chicago with, "well here you make the big bucks!" Show me the money. Show me the money indeed.

going to the country

I had a great weekend. We've only been in the city two weeks and already have some urge to escape the urban plane sporatically. Xtina and I went to andrew's parents' cottage in Fennville and grilled, drank cheap beer and generally hung out with old friends and some new ones too. I stopped by my parents house and got a new cell phone (which I'm paying for). It has a camera and, relatedly, I have an entirely new way of annoying my wife.

This post is a mess; I feel my mind has gone to shit since I stopped working and started watching several hours of television every day. Christina is in an interview with one of the top pastry chefs in town, aspiring to sign on to her patissarie - 'bittersweet.' This was the top job on her list and I'm hoping she'll get it, especially considering we were worried she hadn't gotten a call back due to an overzealous salary requirement.

Some things are piling up - renters/car insurance, money woes, and boredom; but I'm trying to stay positive. I have a good feeling we'll be making money soon. Don't get the wrong idea, we aren't about to be thrown out on the street, I just want to be productive, get off the couch, and earn some money so I can stop worrying and start enjoying this, the city of big shoulders.

I know that zach is moving to ecuador tomorrow and I wish him the best.

I'm missing all the people in grand rapids with whom I should have spent more time while I had the chance. Tonight I'll join the crew at the map room followed by a jaunt at the happy village - my chance for entertainment for the week. Then again, tonight the chicago outdoor film fest is showing 'ferris beuller's day off' in grant park. Could anything be more chicago?

To those of you I haven't spoken to, I'm doing fine, missing GR but not excessively, and I'll figure out how to make ends meet in the city sooner or later.

kevdek

Now in Chicago

Xtina and I arrived here safely. The move went well, the drive went fine, we're fine. Our apartment was filthy and incomplete, but the landlord stopped by to straighten things out. Xtina has had a couple of interviews and I have had none. I think I'm going to pack some chocolates with ben while I look for something else. I'm proud to report that after a week of not working, I'm still not worried that we'll make ends meet. I know we must start working sooner than later, but my anxiety has not cought up with the novelty of a new place. Yesterday we rode our bikes to millenium park and the past week's activities have included walking to the north beach, visiting the MCA with sean, and chillin' out max.

With so much going on I have no idea what to blog about, quite a departure from blogging about nothing. I'll be sure to visit the library from time to time and update my blog while I don't have regular internet access. I'm eager to hear how things are going at home.

Oh, and I beat Xtina in scrabble: my greatest achievement ever.

five short days

I just attended my ‘going-away’ party at work, complete with a “we’ll miss you, Kevin” frosting decorated on top. I still have a hard time thinking concretely about moving. I’ve set-up the electricity and gas, rented a truck, and started packing. I can see moving-in visually but beyond the first initial hours I’m clueless. Life in Chicago was entirely incalculable until a lease was signed and a setting for life established. That was the point at which moving became a certainty, now I need to transition into reality. Tonight we drink too much with Jason and Sarah, likewise with Nick tomorrow night. Friday we go to Saugatuck with Peter and Erin (who is plotting a move of her own), and Saturday we dine and converse with Karl and Sarah. In some ways I feel I’m leaving this planet, behaving as if we’ll never see our friends again, as opposed to moving three hours away. Yesterday I fulfilled a promise to visit the Voigt house before I leave. I felt like a bit of a loser taking a guided tour alone, but it was interesting nonetheless. Did you know that Mr. Voigt equipped all the light fixtures in the house with the ability to use either gas or electricity because he didn’t trust the newly-formed electric company? It’s true!

Job update:
Me – nothing
X-tina – Interview with Whole Foods in Lincoln Park for bakery supervisor position.

If I haven’t scheduled you for a night of drinks and laughs or spoken to you in a while, I’m sorry. I’ll make sure I keep up on my blog – as this is the only place to read all the nervous rants of my early adult years and get the scoop on formative events.

I Will Internalize: the official blog of anxiety.

vacation, one and two

I’m back at work for the first time in eleven days. For those of you out of my ‘loop,’ the wife and I were in Vermont for the first week, having a truly lovely vacation. We stayed in a nice condo in the green mountains near Killington, forgetting all of our problems back at home. Her entire family was there for her grand parents anniversary. I never thought I’d be able to have so much fun with family. We hiked, talked, drank some great beer, (thanks to the Magic Hat brewery line of beers including ‘hocus pocus ale’) and tried to explain why we don’t eat meat and what, then, we do eat (which is a tiresome conversation when engaged in to those who don’t know any vegetarians). And while we were there for a full week, we still didn’t feel as though we saw everything we wanted to. We’re sorry we didn’t make it to Burlington.

We arrived home on Thursday night and spent Friday doing laundry and cleaning the apartment prior to leaving for the hottest (temperature-wise) music festival ever. While fun, the pitchfork festival was a bit disappointing. The Walkmen were good, as were the Silver Jews (although not as good as in ann arbor last winter), Destroyer and Jens Lekman. Devendra Banhart was a huge disappointment as was almost the entirety of Sunday afternoon, due largely to the heat. We weren’t able to stay for Os Mutantes, which may have redeemed my attitude. Now I’m sure there are plenty of raving reviews of the entire festival out on the blogosphere today, but just remember – I may not be as ‘hip’ as they are. If you see any photos of the festival, I am the patron not wearing an old novelty t-shirt or a short-sleeved western shirt.

The apartment is arranged, the moving truck has been ordered, and with two weeks remaining in the winter water wonderland, I’m getting nervous. But don’t tell my wife. Honestly, while I’ll miss those of you reading this from the g-rap, I’m getting more excited about the move. I’ll be even more excited if you find me a job.

kevdek

faxed the lease

Xtina and I officially have an apartment in Chicago. It's a fairly nice apartment in Chicago's desirable Bucktown neighborhood on the near NW side of the city. The neighborhood is great, the location okay and it's less than we were prepared to spend. We signed the lease today and our worlds are falling apart. Suddenly we leave for vacation in Vermont tomorrow and when we arrive we have two workweeks and move. I need to find work there soon.

no, I KNOW I can dance

I’ve been getting pretty bored these days. While my work week is only four days long, I find the nights unbearable at times. What makes this boredom worse is my resorting to watching television. Requiring no commitment of time or energy, NBC’s weekday trainwreck is simply the easiest thing for me to do. And this saddens me. Watching ‘so you think you can dance’ when there is a copy of ‘east of eden’ with thirty pages read in front of me is sad sad sad.

I’m getting better at karate, and with it stronger and more flexible. Feels great to see myself improving in something.

This weekend we’re going back to the big city to once again look for an apartment. This time, however, we’re staying in a hotel – thanks to hotwire.com. With the expected 92F in the city, I wasn’t about to sleep on nick/andrew’s couch.

And the story continues…

long weekend

Last weekend was another bust in regards to our apartment search. We found a great place with a lake view and a new kitchen but the location demanded an hour commute to the loop - and it was in a high-rise. I've never been able to see myself in a high-rise or a complex. Perhaps it's a need to feel a sense of place or ownership (despite being a renter) that makes me feel stifled and unwelcomed in a high-rise. I need just a little outdoor space of my own. With another unsuccessful weekend we are pushing back our move to aug. 15 or sept 1st at the earliest. There is the full update, so don't ask me again. At least we were able to enjoy the day by stopping in historic downtown fennville for a post-dinner dinner at journeymans, followed by an evening at the sand bar, peter and erin's summer cottage in saugatuck.

Sunday was spent in a typical way, doing laundry at the in-laws. Later we had dinner, drinks, and conversation with friends - which does wonders in breaking the sunday tradition and adds continuity for the week. Monday I missed karate and briefly thought about not going anymore. Which is worse, continuing to feel bad at another activity, or living with guilt about quitting something else that's good for me? Here is the real reason I missed karate.

And now, on this nation's birthdate, we rose early to march in a grand rapids parade with the campaign in which I've been volunteering. Immediately thereafter we trekked to the kentwood parade for a less receptive audience. This brings me to now. We're exhausted, but looking for something to do this evening nevertheless. I'm glad we decided against the initial plan of going to the my morning jacket show in chicago. I'm much too tired to drive that far. Perhaps I'll celebrate independence by drinking too much on a worknight.

One more thing: to those of you who will understand, I laughed out loud in my cubicle upon seeing this last week. I'm sure I'll give you another update before long.

In Fashion, the soft drinks, expansion...

Tomorrow is a big day. We’ll wake up bright and early and make our way to Chicago, (the New Age, but what would Frank Lloyd Wright say? Oh Columbia! Amusement or treasure, these optimistic pleasures Like the Ferris Wheel!)

I can’t help it.

We’ll be attending Jason and Sarah’s wedding. I’m excited to go. Jason has a been a good friend since I started in college I’m looking forward to seeing the likes of ben, mcglone, and Josiah once again. Let’s hope I can find my way through the concrete maze that is the city of Chicago and arrive on-time.

What makes me most nervous is that we will also be trying to sign on an apartment. I would feel much better about it if I was seeing apartments I like on craigslist within our price range. I guess I fear getting a crappy apartment for more money than I’d like to spend. I’ll try not to jump into anything. Wish me luck.

make a wish

The fundraiser was a big success. Everything was set up on time and the food was lovingly prepared without so much as a gap in service. There was a moment during the afternoon in my pick-up and delivery that I messed up. It reminded me of a couple times in my employment history where I felt that I did my best and failed miserably, killing my self esteem. I freaked out, but got my bearings straight and everything worked out fine in the end. I was relieved by the time the party started.

Last night I had a dream where I was working for the make-a-wish foundation and I told everyone in the board room that we should be giving out vacations to healthy children who will remember them. Everyone started vomiting violently and they blamed me for making them, and the children, so ill.

Xtina read my previous post last night. We are currently in contract negotiations. Rather, while we are still planning on moving, we are thinking very critically about it.

the ghost of andy

Tonight is a huge fundraiser for the political campaign on which I've been working. I'll spend my afternoon moving tables, chairs, food, plates, glasses and everything heavy you can imagine. I'm fine with it, though. Christina is the one everyone will blame if something goes wrong; she's catering the whole thing. Needless to say, she's been anxious. Not that she didn't put this on herself, though. Her taking such an active role stems from her inability to say 'no' to anybody but me. This way we're giving more to the campaign than we could possibly provide monitarily so I'm truly grateful and while xtina has been hard to be comfortable around, it's worth it.

Last night I had a dream the xtina and I were at Jason's wedding reception and we were seated at the same table as andy warhol. He insisted, though, that we call him 'John.' And not just 'John,' but 'John Warhol.' He made everyone little glass sculptures and I told the other guests at the table that I'd seen better work from him in his past. What an asshole. Don't worry, the ghost of andy warhol doesn't decend upon me in my sleep on a regular basis.

I'm still nervous about the move, I don't need to write another post about it. Sometimes I lay awake at night and I resolve to tell xtina that we can't move, that we'd be giving too much up and I always talk myself out of it the next day. I wish I had a good job here. I simply don't feel good about it. I'm not excited at all anymore. Xtina is going to have a long talk with me when she reads this tomorrow. She'll cry, and I'll back off.

falling in line

Another Friday afternoon and the air smells like sweet perfume. No, something really does smell like perfume. I had a meeting with career services today. We talked about the move and it was reassuring that she didn't think I was crazy about moving without a job. She actually thought I was making the right decision, all the way. I was honest and told her I'm terrified. This morning I made an apointment with the 'apartment people' in chicago while I'm there for Jason's wedding. Looks like I'm on my way.

Tomorrow is Jason's bachelor party. We're going to blue chip casino where I'll triple our moving budget with one clickety-clack of the dice. Actually xtina threatened to hide the debit card.

I have the new thom yorke album. It's pretty good, along the same lines as a radiohead album, but not mind-shatteringly original. I'll give it a few listens, I assure you.

'found' and summer walks

I’m finally back to normal again – well, in regards to my health, that is. I took the weekend very slow with the exception of helping to re-hab a cherry hill market storefront for the LaGrand campaign and attending the ‘Found’ exhibition at the wealthy theater, that local cultural institution I always plan on visiting and never do. The ‘Found’ thing was great, Davy Rothbart can tell a great story, albeit a little short (I waited for the show longer than the show actually went). Now xtina and I have a new inside joke/phrase for our personal enjoyment – “the booty don’t stop,” courtesy of the Ypsilanti all-starz. I already used it while walking through the remnants of festival yesterday. We also took advantage of the beautiful day by visiting most of the tom otterness sculptures that have been placed around downtown. If you have an afternoon to kill and the weather is nice you should definitely do this – the sculptures are great! There is a map of sculpture locations available here: . One of our favorites is located on the blue pedestrian bridge connecting to the GVSU campus. It is days like yesterday that I will miss immensely when I’m gone – a picturesque cityscape, and essentially all to myself. It makes me feel huge.

how was your / plans for your / weekend?

For some reason I now have an internet filter on my office computer and it blocks several of my linked blogs. Is this the beginning of the end? Let’s hope not. Unfortunately this means I will not be able to refresh your blog one hundred times per day as I’ve done in the past. Among those blocked – becky, metal, Krista, post secret, and plenty of other sites I check on a regular basis, I’m sure.

Well, the phrase around the office today is “how was your weekend?” Then again, it always is. Monday and Tuesday are “how was your weekend?;” Wednesday and Thursday are “do you have any plans for the weekend?” Well, how was my weekend? Friday was a whole lot o’ nothing (to the best of my knowledge), with the exception of paying for software to back up my questionable files on my ipod, anticipating a full collapse of my desktop PC in the near future. Saturday saw xtina getting hammered off three drinks and some cold medication (not taken for this honestly undesired effect). Sunday I received a phone call from a one Mr. Campbell followed by a scenic drive to Fennville to meet with said Mr. Campbell as well as Andrew, Budde, Nick, and Veldman at Andrews folk’s cottage. Then yesterday xtina and I went to the LaGrand’s cottage on the shore to beat the stifling heat of the city. We had a great time – drank some beer, ate some food, went swimming and kayaking with the Swedberg kids. Finally last night we determined to finish season two of the sopranos, keeping our tired bodies up past 12:30 (that just made me sound ancient).

Not much else new to report. We’re still planning on moving, I’m getting more nervous and frightened. This will most likely culminate in me panicking and considering not going at a most inconvenient step in the moving process (for those of you who remember my hasty, ill-reasoned actions over a year ago). I just wish I knew I could find an apartment/job before quitting what I already have and find suitable. I know this dilemma is nothing new and is going to be confronted at some point in my life. Well, I should probably go home soon, there is an 85 degree kitchen full of dishes to wash.

update: move

You knew it would happen sooner-or-later. I'm posting from work. I dare you to call me a little bitch now! I honestly sat down to post this weekend and couldn't bring myself to write another update on nothing that I'm not particularly proud of. Xtina and I are going to Chicago tomorrow. We'll probably scope-out some neighborhoods, do a little shopping, maybe see a museum, etc... We have a sudden interest in Chicago because, get this, we've decided to move there. The very thought of it makes me quesy. Think of all the people! Each one another reason to get angry and take it out on my spouse. In all seriousness, I'm excited to move. There are things about GR that I'll miss, particularly several people. I hope you know who you are. There are other things, too, like having a back yard, silence, being able to go several days without spending money, and of course, SECURITY. No, I'm not afraid of crime, I mean security in the sense that right now I don't have to worry about paying the rent, getting to work, dealing with bad landlords, knowing where things are. But the time is right. We're young, dissatisfied with our jobs and unable to find new ones (well, I can't at least) and the only committment we have is a voluntary one. This won't happen until August, but I'll be sure to fill out an interview project questionnaire on my way out.

my advice to you, sir...

It's that time of year again: time to update my resume and do my best to write a flattering cover letter. There certainly aren't many opportunities for college grads without a specialization these days, despite what the president says. On craigslist chicago (where people use craigslist) there appears to more options for me than here. Then again, perhaps in Chicago they may just be better at posting the ubiquitous "fake" craigslist job post. EARN MONEY FROM HOME! $1,000 PER WEEK! - is how it would read here. I think I'd like to stick around for a while, I don't feel as though I'm done with GR yet. Then again, part of me feels like I'm wasting my youth here and I'm ready for a change. I am completely unprepared to move. At least I have some friends there. Trying to find a job may be the most agonizing endeavor known to me at this point in my life. At least this year, as I'm searching, I already have a job and I'm not eating-up my savings.

Today xtina and I decided that we'd like to go to Chicago over our anniversary weekend (two weeks away) but it seems as though every hotel in the city is booked. We should have come to this consensus weeks ago. The problem at-hand is that I'd like to stay in the city (not at a holiday inn express by the airport) and not pay $450 per night. aww hell.

Tulip Time is here again. I don't think I'll make an apperance this year, although seeing dutch dancers (women playing both the mens and womens roles) shaking their calvinist shame fingers as part of the choreographed dance. Perhaps calvinist shame is why young men in holland don't dare dutch dance in the first place?

advice to the graduate

...sleep on your back, ash in your shoes, and always use the old sense of the word.

GVSU commencement went better than expected. Sure, it was long and monotonous, but the constant flow of departures during the ceremony gave me assumed permission to walk around so I didn't have to sit and listen to the butchering of 1,400 names. Instead, I read the paper - featuring the calvin spoof article. My thoughts go out to the calvin chimes staff as their spoof was pulled this year and members were fired due to leaking it on the interweb. www.calvinspoof.com Sure, it may look bad, but it's nothing that should cause calvin to do-away with the spring chimes tradition altogather. Xtina is working late tonight (3pm-2am). My main objective tonight is to meet with peter and erin and remain sober enough to pick her up at the end of her shift.

Tomorrow we're bagging the family thing entirely. Tonight is a late night and we haven't been able to see each other much all weekend. I've decided that in order for me to establish a higher degree of autonomy and weekly continuity it's time that we create a sunday morning ritual. What is married life without a sunday morning ritual? Perhaps I'll read the paper with my slippers on and sit on the futon drinking a french press of coffee. Too bad the NYT is five bucks on sunday. I know there's much more content, but there is something ingrained that won't allow me to shell out five bucks for a newspaper despite how many five buck beers I consume the night prior.

I've had the majority of the day to myself - the entirety of xtina's shift. It's odd being alone for so long. Not "alone" meaning the absence of my spouse, but alone. It's comforting, albeit a little boring as the only projects on my list are one's I'd rather not do. I'm calling the day a success, however, as I just got done washing dishes.

Zach - I'm sorry I missed your call, I think that number is yours anyway. Well, perhaps it's time I join my friends and take it really easy for the next four hours. Then again, perhaps I'll wait it out a bit longer.

...get in some licks, hold your head up, and soon you will be drinking from that crystal cup.

opposite day at the office

Taken from toothpastefordinner.com. I saw this comic this morning and got a great chuckle, a sad chuckle really as it's exactly like my office environment. I don't have much to say, I just wanted to share this with you, dear reader.

This weekend is GVSU commencement at vanandel arena. Sitting while they read off 1,400 names doesn't sound like my idea of a good time. Hopefully the beer tent will be open. Perhaps I'll spend some time with Becky while she's in town.

vegan trial week: night one

It appears as though I haven't updated in a while. Let's see... last weekend xtina and I went cambridge house and also to a birthday party and ended up talking with matt halteman for perhaps a couple hours. Speaking with him made us realize that maybe we should try the vegan thing. Tonight was vegan week night 1: jerk spiced portabella mushrooms with rice and broccoli. Grade: B+. This is going to be tough. I'll keep you updated on how the week-long trial period goes. Tonight xtina is at the "Farms without Harms" event at the wealthy theatre. I'm sure I'll come home to a dozen more reasons why I'm a monster despite my best efforts to consume conscientiously.

I'm thinking more about how unfulfilling my job will become in the summer time. I'd like to get out of here and I think my superiors are expecting it: they aren't exactly stacking my itinerary with summer projects. I'm not sure where I'd like to apply - the dwelling place has a position open but I have no idea if I'm qualified for it. I don't want to be put in the same situation as I was last summer. If anyone has ideas or suggestions, please let me know.

Easter sunday was a bitch. I'm not sure why I subject myself such a beating. I got a "why dick devos should be the next governor" speach. It wasn't very coherent and made little logical sense but that argument would have to take such a form to be made. I don't aggrevate the situation anymore; I tend to keep my mouth shut which is often-times more painful. I hate how it makes me feel like I'm fifteen all over again. I guess some things never change.

I'm attempting to come up with unique ideas for my fast-approaching one-year wedding anniversary. Flight+hotel to one of our favorite exotic locales would be nice, albeit expensive. We could stay in downtown detroit for a couple nights at less than two hundred bucks. Greektown casino, anyone? I'm open to suggestions - locations, hotels, events, activities - I need some help, folks.

with the lights out

It's Saturday afternoon and I've nothing to do. I'm not sure how this happened, but I feel I'm neglecting something. xtina is gone with the car so I'm somewhat limited as to what I can do.

Nothing much to report on this end. Another week has traveled at the speed of light. Last night I went to the free-radical gallery. It was great to be among a large number of people for an event on south division. The artist spaces looked great. I wonder what the homeless thought of all the people traversing their neighborhood. There was one problem - over half of the studios were without power. The one night of the season they do this and the artist spaces are pitch-black. The electricity wasn't out for just a few minutes, either - hours. Returning home xtina and I were delighted to see our house the only dwelling in the downtown area with power, a welcome change. We saw "palendromes" last night, recommended to me by sean. I loved it but xtina wasn't so keen.

"new" albums I'm currently obsessing over: Jens Lekman, Neko Case, The Boy Least Likely To, and not flaming lips.

when your time is through...your myspace profile will live on

I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday paging through mydeathspace.com. The site essentially posts an obituary for you, should you die, along with a link to your myspace profile. The very thought of me being remembered, or anyone being remembered for that matter, in terms of their myspace is a little unsettling. Sometimes the site is outright creepy. The posts in which the myspace user commits suicide are especially disturbing - anyone can see, by profile, just how suicidal they were in retrospect. Sometimes the myspace picture profiled is of a user consuming large amounts of alcohol - posted beneath their alcohol poisoning obituary. Observation: many teens die in vehicles.

It is interesting how online postings stay indefinitely, they do not deteriate, they don't fade, it isn't a smell that diminishes from your clothes. If I were to die suddenly, please don't remember me by my myspace profile, please. I would rather be remembered by my lastfm profile.

I've also been into postsecret.blogspot.com as of late.

With that out of the way, I must say the Silver Jews show last weekend was amazing. If you'd like to read more about it, check out Peter's blog. Some of my favorite songs came from an album I just recently acquired: natural bridge. Examples: Dallas, Pet Politics, Black and Brown Blues. The crowd hinged on David's every shakey, inebriated word. We all waited in unnerving anticipation for specific lines in songs: "if you don't want me, I'll promise not to linger, but before I go I have to ask you dear about that tanline on your ring finger." Ann Arbor was great, I could see myself happy there for a while. The city is a little small, but bustling, communal, and pedestrian-friendly. Now, how do I get there? Still spending much mental energy thinking about grad school but actually doing/researching very little.

the time has come

After sitting on tickets over three months, the date on the ticket is about to arrive. Tomorrow I will see my precious silver jews. Who buys tickets three months in advance? And who sells tickets to a small show three months in advance?

The weekend is here again - I'm amazed by how fast the weeks go by. This past week I was determined to make sense of it, documenting my workweek, but friday is here once again moments after I wake monday morning. And what have I done with my time? Nothing really - read vonnegut's new book. I also watched Crash monday night. Thank god I didn't see it in the theater or even rent it on DVD (I got it at my local library). It just isn't that good, folks. If you'd like to see it but don't have the time or money - remember that film Magnolia that you saw? Yeah, that was an excellent film - well if you want to imagine crash, think of magnolia and substitute the theme of human condition for the theme of race relations. Really, you can plot out the entire film by means of magnolia. I guess what I'm saying is that it is entirely unoriginal, although I commend them for tackling race relations in a major studio flic. Oh, and brendan fraser sucks. "I'm the district attorney." I hope to see After Innocence - it opens tonight at the UICA.

One more thing: Xtina has a blog and I'm taking this opportunity to call her xxxtina, just as I promised I wouldn't do.

A: CSA, St. Patrick, Kunstler

Another good weekend to bookend my four days of monotony, excuse, and explaination. Friday peter and erin came by for xtina and mines first dinner party (of sorts). Everything went togather without a hitch and we made it to the theatre in time to catch "Confederate States of America," which was a total disappointment. Great premise, poor execution. Saturday I marched in my first-ever St. Patricks day parade. Walking down the middle of a crowded N. Division was surreal to say the least. The warm weather is over and we're back to winter drudgery. I was getting optimistic too - crocuses were blooming, windows were left open, bleakness alleviating.

I've finally finished "The Geography of Nowhere." I loved every minute of it and now I'm going to read the newest Kurt Vonnegut book. Xtina loved it as evidenced by her intermittant laughing while reading in the car last sunday. I don't have much on which to update you, dear reader. I feel like I'm finally getting ahold of my life again. Staying on top of social obligations, giving attention where attention is due, and actually doing something on the weekend makes me feel much more fulfilled. This Saturday I will be at the "three year anniversary of the start of the Iraq war" demonstration at veterans park. Perhaps you should come down.

march thaw

I was told yesterday by my childhood mentor that the weather is getting warmer this week. Channel three said it could be sixty-five on friday. I'm looking forward to it. A warmup would could produce a much needed change in my psyche. I love springtime. The first day it turns fifty everyone goes outside in a t-shirt and men and women alike show off their blinding white legs. Except me, that is; I don't like shorts. Not much is here on this front. Still working, still watching two episodes of "Rosanne" every day. I've seen them all, but it's still better than Dr. Phil. The latter part of this week I decided to stop dragging my heels on everything I'm involved in and I started working harder (despite my lack of assigned tasks) and started reading to finish. Xtina cleaned the entire apartment today. Now she's sleeping. The other night she kept me up all night yippin' and a yappin' in her sleep. It's better than her screaming and punching me in her sleep (that has happened several times now).

Last night a friend gave me a stack of CD's. I'm excited to get into something new. Right now: the best of Paolo Conte. Very interesting, maybe I'll give you a review later.

a little more than nothing

I'm still not up to much. I'm still working pseudo-full-time. That Belle and Sebastian album turned out to be amazing. I'm also getting into Jenny Lewis. I didn't finally finish the geography of nowhere but I'm working on it. I don't have any plans for tonight but I hope to do something.

Last weekend was great. Christina and I actually did something out of the usual and it made the week seem complete and refreshing for a change. Friday we went out for dinner and saturday we went to the state democratic convention in beautiful downtown lansing, followed by good dinner/conversation with friends. The convention went just as expected, except I would have liked at least one of my photos to turn out in the dimly-lit conference center.

I've been feeling better these days. Despite the weather getting colder instead of warmer. I'm deciding not to worry so much about details - details that once restricted every attempt I made to create motion. Maybe I feel better because xtina has been too.

Has anyone else seen this? It is one of the worst things I've seen online in a while. Am I the only one that believes this to be a total violation of basic human rights?

google chat: thoughts?

I'm conflicted as to how I feel about google chat. It's convenient and fun (although not very innovative) and it gives me something to do while I stare at my computer screen all day. It does, however, pose a dangerous threat to workplace productivity. I get the feeling that google is slowly edging it's way into every market until it ownes me. google presents: kevdek. However, when they get into a market they normally make a superior product. examples: google search engine, google maps, gmail.

I watched "I am trying to break your heart" with metal last night. It's nice to talk with Metal about wilco. Not once did I bring up how he used to make fun of all of us for liking them. I'm a good person. No, a great person.

Tomorrow I'm going to the state democratic convention in beautiful Lansing. It was three years ago this week when I was last in Lansing: it was equally cold and I was marching down the streets against the war with millions of other likeminded individuals around the world. The largest protest movement in global history. And look how much good it did. god bless the usa.

glowing box = my childhood memories

I brought home "the adventures of pete and pete: the complete first season" from my local library. What does it mean when it's a television program that gives me the most satisfying feeling of childhood nostalgia I've been able to feel? Is that bad? When I was growing up, it occurs to me now, that it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to watch television for eight hours in a day. Growing up in the suburbs, there wasn't much else to do. Think of what I could have become if I spent that time reading or doing science experiments or playing an instrument? Aside from how sad it is that my most vibrant childhood memory comes in the form of me laying across a green armchair watching my family's silver quasar television, Pete and Pete is the greatest childrens television program ever. Much of the music comes from the band "the magnetic fields" and the show features cameos from the likes of Michael Stipe and Steve Buschemi. And, lets face it, I'm a sucker for narrative-style programs. The season was initially aired in 1993 making me about ten years old at it's time of air. They certainly don't make childrens television like that anymore. Perhaps Gen-Xers are just more creative and thoughful than those that make television programs now.

On another note, I just picked up the new Belle & Sebastian album, "the life pursuit." It's fantastic, their best album since "the boy with the arab strap." You should check it out, it's defintely worth buying if you have the cash at hand.

I don't have any plans tonight. Xtina and I might go to bombay cuisine or brandywine. Has anyone been to that new mexican restaurant in eastown? you know, the one on Carlton. So if any of you are doing something interesting, give me a call. Perhaps you would like to share your favorite memory of Pete and Pete.

promise fulfilled

I'm back, and posting on a weekday. I had a good weekend, had a good conversation at an establishment in saugatuck, although it took me almost an hour to get back home because of the weather.

This week I will:
Keep my mind on my work to pass time faster
Not be trapped in self-loathing
Finally try to finish The Geography of Nowhere
Put more time into the political campaign in which I'm working
Finish AbFab season 5
See more people
Get the new Belle and Sabastian album
Get the new Beth Orton album
Not be such a "little bitch"

computers are logical; I am not

Personal progress is always assumed. Why, then, does it seem as though I'm regressing? When I was a younger man I had the ability of confidence and opportunity. The only conclusion I've come to in post collegiate self-discovery is my own fragility. Some days I'm convinced that I can do nothing without another entity directly telling me to do so. How high, sir? Some days all I can focus on is the passage of time. Seconds pass at the same rate regardless if all I'm able to do is debate sitting vs. standing or I'm flying at the sun. I am paralyzed by my own fragility. 1's and 0's can't explain how I feel today. I used to accept and process ceaseless information careening in my direction; now I have to create the illusion of such a whirlwind. And how do I return to a situation long past by my own anxiety-driven movements? I am the acquaintence of myself to which I look at my watch explain I'm late for a meeting. And bitching about it only discredits me further. Some day I will feel "comfortable" again. Buzzing of my alarm, hot shower-cold shower, coffee in the pot - I can segmentize, compartmentalize, but I cannot create something new and feel sealed or tightened. I am not a self-made success, but I'm doing all I can to ruin my chances.

watching local news, waiting for dinner

I had every intention of posting more frequently this week. Obviously, my intentions don't always translate directly into immediate action. The story of my life. I'll try to give more updates in the future even though I'm sadly leaving out very little of my weekly actions in the blog.

Here's something new: I have plans for working for the David LaGrand for state senate campaign. Forcing myself to get out and do something should be good for me. I hope this will help alleviate some of my social anxiety and self-loathing spiral as of late.

I went to the sand bar thursday night. Stayed in a watched the aristocrats and tonight I'll go out with nick and peter. That's it: categorizing my free time into fleetable moments. I wish I had something quick and witty to say, perhaps I'll come up with something later.

thursday with my own personal "easy jesus"

Last night saw my "triumphant" return to pool night. I don't kid myself anymore, I put in my five bucks knowing full-well I will never see it again. And I performed exactly to my expectations - O-2.

I've had trouble sleeping lately. I haven't told anyone why because it's somewhat embarassing. So watch while take the logical step and post it on the internet for all the world to see. Well, here it is: Politics. That's right, I lay awake every night (regardless of my alcohol intake) thinking about Alito, assisted suicide in oregon, the death penalty, globalization, church and state, the sex offender registry, etc.. It is an onslaught of national problems that have kept me awake this week. I believe part of the reason for my problem is that I'm surrounded by unquestioning evangelicals each weekday. But, I've studied enough psychology to know that this recent dilemma may be from the fact that I worry naturally and perhaps I'm choosing not to worry about my current situation and am therefore displacing my troubles on national events. I just have to get my head to slow down.

I don't have much else to say. My progression of events has slowed to a snail's pace now that I'm out of school. I try to seek something new every day but it's just not as easy while not being taught for four hours a day. Perhaps I will seek out crying in the shower as something new this week. We'll see how it goes and I'll get back to you. I'm open to suggestions on new things to do/hold my attention. Anyone?

100th post

feeling better today:

sun is shining
illness alleviating
in the midst of a long weekend

I've spent too much time in this apartment as of late. Last night i watched "la nina santa" and I hated it. I'm usually pretty good with film but this one made very little sense and it may have been the longest hour and forty five minutes outside of the office I've endured in quite a while. I also got "absolutely fabulous: seasons 1-3" from the library but I'm not sure I can get into it. xtina is out running errands.

I don't have any plans tonight but I'd like to get out of this apartment. Perhaps you should give me a call if you are in the greater grand rapids area.

insert clever title here;

or, put your penis between the mattress and box-spring and have at it.

another average week. i drank a little more than usual but outside of that, and my thursday morning hangover, nothing special. It has been good seeing becky around.

Week after week of anticipation. Anticipating my own actions like I have no bearing on them. Fleeting moments, stagnant action.