Yesterday I bought a couple magazines because I was feeling creatively drained. I haven't seen anything "new" for a while. It's interesting how I justify outright impulse buys. I strain my neo-consumer cortex delaying gratification through impulse buys to the extent that I've been known to go "impulse shopping," a horrifying display of want/need role confusion. I hadn't done it for a while and I couldn't resist conor oberst on the cover of paste.
Now that things are back to normal for me, concerning my future plans, I find myself approached with a new level of reaction. Appearantly, after you break off a wedding for a week and go back to it your feeling are discredited. For those of you who may be feeling this way I'd like you to know that this is just the type of person I am. I needed to leave in order to practically assess who I am/what my life looks like if I don't get married. I realized how grim that picture looks. I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd live at my folks house, rehashing that misery, stuck trying to find a job but never really commiting to finding one or taking a big leap due to my crippling insecurity that only she can convince me is false. Besides, as I objectively thought about ending the relationship I realized that I simply couldn't do it. As different as we are, I genuinely love her as sappy as it is to say in blog-format. I've learned to appreciate our differences because, simply put, I wouldn't date myself. Dating a girl just like myself would be a terrifying, unfulfilling experience. I want everyone to know that I'm going to be okay. I appreciate all your concern and care.
thanks,
management
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2 comments:
Wait, are you saying that one of the reasons you are getting married after all is that you don't want to end up like me a year from now? That might be construed as insulting/worrisome.
This isn't a jab I'm just pretty curious to [actually] hear more about how you've made this decision. It worries me in a way but obviously I don't have a clear idea of whatalls going on. BUT I don't like the sound of you needing someone else to help overcome crippling insecurity juxtaposed over what you've told me regarding some of your more complex feelings towards her/your situation together.
And not to overly read into this blog post as the ultime manifestation of your thoughts/feelings but the alternatives you describe are extremely narrow and ultimately pretty juvenile in their limited ways of viewing future options or outcomes.
The future isn't a year from now its the combination of the next odd-number of decades and graduation isn't the end or the beginning of anything.
First of all, I think that you are much better off now than myself if I were to live at home. I think you have much more going for you than I would. I don't necessarily think you are in a bad place. But I'm not aiming solely for personal betterment either... Secondly, the meaning behind this post wasn't to justify my latest decision. Obviously, I can't put into words all the factors that go into a decision as such. I really love Christina and I've realized that I was blowing out of proportion her negative traits that are, in effect, nothing compared to my negative traits as well as believing I wanted something I don't really want. Right now I'm with someone where our vision of the future is more or less identical. We have similar goals/ideal lifestyles and I was being grossly unfair to her this week.
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