Xtina is in class tonight until 9. She'll be tired when she gets home so I made sure I did all the dishes like a good boy should. Last night everyone went out to founders because Melissa's job search is finally over. Also, I'd like to congradulate Nick on completion of his 'not as long but just about as traumatic' job search as well.
My eyes have been fixed on this computer screen in the dark so long when I look up I see nothing but darkness.
An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I got back to work from my lunchbreak the other day and after telling the receptionist that I'll have an appointment at 1, "call my extension" I went down to my office (in the basement, a windowless room) and found myself looking at something on my computer, shuffling papers and making a phone call. I saw my hands doing this work. They didn't look like my hands, though. These hands came out of a dress shirt. There was a wedding band on the left ring finger and an adult-looking watch on the left wrist. The bottom-line is that that was not me. This was more than just a "college must be over" moment; I realized what I naturally became. And my heart sank.
I've been told similar stories by others relating the moment they realized they weren't in college anymore, but I didn't expect that to happen to me. I went to college to escape a desk job, not to get one. I suppose there's no better reason to get into grad-school than that. Now what am I good at? Back to the beginning.
I layed awake last night dwelling on people from my past. Not college people from my past considering the circumstances, but people from farther back. I wondered how I acted towards them and how outcomes would have been different if I, my current self, could go back and re-live them. I know there is no way of knowing and thus no reason to dwell on it, but i've never been able to let go. I was just surprised at the fact that I have'nt considered these people for years and suddenly I couldn't get my mind from them. I also wondered how my high-school sexual encounters must have been, I mean how they would look to me now.
In my next issue: why I believe I'm becoming a dirty old man.
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1 comment:
kevin i think you need a beer. it's on you, and you can buy me one as well.
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