so sick

My suspicion of immenent illness has progressed into full sickness. I'm really sick though. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time. My body has been shutting itself down little by little every day this week and each night I chose to ignore it and go to the bar anyway (I thought I had a great excuse...). I thought I'd take it easy last night and go to bed early because I was taking hints from how I felt during the course of yesterday. I played pool with peter, reuben and joel at chris' house. When we left I was ready for bed but peter got terribly drunk at chris', cracking another beer five minutes prior to departure. On the way home he called all the friends available in gr and invited them to my house. I pretended that I was only nominally upset with this but I was really pissed. Luckily, the dozens of people he invited to my apartment (which I cleaned that afternoon) didn't end up coming. While there were only twelve people there, tops, that's quite a few people for my apartment especially when everyone is smoking, drinking, and generally being loud and drunk. It appeared that as soon as we got there, peter was out. I really didn't want anything to do with this party directly under my bedroom but I didn't want to put a damper on everyone's st.patricks day by attempting to go to bed considering my personal circumstances. I sat around, feeling myself getting sicker, having forced conversations with my drunken friends. My st. patty's consisted of three busch's and a lot of moping. After everyone left, I started to pick up the cans (stale beer/cigarrette butts is the worst smell I can imagine in the morning) until it was brought to my attention that I am, in fact, a little bitch.

While it wasn't that late when the guests left, when I tried to sleep I simply layed in bed, eyes wide open, unable to believe who i am/ what i've done/ where i'm going/ what i'm doing/ etc... Turn to the right: radiator, dali calendar cut-outs, turn to the left: 3:13. turn right, turn left 4:06. turn right, turn left 4:12. Lay straight ahead and realize tonight is not my night for sleeping regardless of how physically exhausted I am.

At six a.m. i gave up on trying to get any sleep. I felt so sick I couldn't imagine staying in bed and yet I couldn't imagine getting up. Knowing I wouldn't sleep any more I decided to get up. I made it three feet to my cheap futon. nothing on tv. 6:15, get in the shower. I'm sure the water touched my skin, if I wasn't wet I wouldn't have guessed. I made a standard kevdek breakfast of coffee, oj, cinammon life, and a bonus treat for feeling shitty: a banana. On the table was one of the largest/cheapest pizzas I'd ever seen. The acid buildup from this breakfast continues to pain me as I write. As I got dressed I saw a coupon on my coffee table: early bird special, $7 off any oil change 7am-10pm. I took it as a sign.

After watching an advertisement for estate planning thinly veiled as an important topic on the "today" show, I was finally able to leave my apartment. As I discovered the door to be unlocked peter's phone was ringing. The trees are beautiful this morning. Dusted with a blanket of snow from the night prior as if all our snow fell straight from the sky in one simple drop: even disbursements on all branches and cars: still too early for it to be disturbed. I thought of all the collective stories and all the unordinary happenings that occurred last night. somewhere in my hometown, someone's life was changed last night while I looked at the clock: 4:48. I rolled into the oil change place where they were surprised to see someone of my age come in so early; I was the only customer there. They told me I need the heavy duty oil which costs more based on the fact that I told them I drove in the city and on the highway. He showed me a chart that simply had an suv and a car on the y-axis and normal and severe driving on the x-axis. Phil said "see the chart shows that you drive normally and drive an suv, so it looks like you need the duralife" I thought: what is this chart?, what does it prove?, this chart is supposed to help me?, you create a chart to illustrate what you say and it proves nothing. From now on I'm drawing charts to "prove" whatever I want out of others. It's 8am, I feel like shit, and their looking at me for wiping my nose with a half-used toilet paper roll I grabbed on my way out. Phil obviously didntwant to coerce me into something I don't want as much as I do. The entire exchange was half-assed. corporate protocol transferred through an uncaring pee-on rejected by me, equally uncaring.

I'm hre alone in the itc. It's been open for an hour but I think I'm the first one here. I wonder when nick and peter are getting up and if peter missed his ride to south bend. I'm tempted to get in my car and drive north. Ending up on the shores of the hudson bay in an area I've only seen on a map. Too bad I'd regret it almost as soon as I got there. My self is what keeps me complacent. Oh god, resolve my problems. I've spoken about them with a few people now. And while it gets easier to talk about, the decision is still looming. there is no answer. the question has been reduced to mediocrity. I either accept one for positives and negatives or I accept a foreign one for a few positives and negatives, if the latter exists - if my perception of positive positive and negative negative. Quantify your inner-most thoughts and feelings, take the logical route, and wonder why you feel robotic.